Gray Days

The last few days have been gray and dreary. Just the sort of day that makes you want to stay in bed. I haven't had much energy to actually do anything. It's funny, I've always known that these kinds of days affect humans, and if I hadn't known, three years spent in Southeast Alaska sure would have taught me, but I never really noticed how it affects our pets. My little Kitty of Doom (who's first birthday is just around the corner-if he lives to see it) has been extra snuggly due to the gloominess. Now he's my first ever cat, so I'll admit that I don't know that much about them, but I've never known a kitty to be so touchy-feely as he is. He loves to snuggle and is normally really close to where the people are, even when he wants to be alone. And if I'm around, he spends a lot of time curled up in my arms-not my lap-like I'm toting around an infant. He gives so many kisses that sometimes I think he's going to peel the skin off of my face! (no, I don't think that'd really happen, but if you've ever been kissed by a kitty, you know they're tongues are like sandpaper). And if he's about to doze off in my arms, he puts his little paw up to touch my cheek. It's like he actually wants that contact. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's how it seems to me.

And on a different topic: Mafia Wife will be pleased with this one. I told the ol' man that when I get back from my parents that we were going to sit down and discuss me moving in with The Family. He's clammed up completely since then, and our conversations have been even rarer than normal. It's making me feel pretty awful. It's starting to seem more and more like he's doing everything possible to avoid me, and that if he is stuck or can't come up with a way to go elsewhere, he pretty much clams up and doesn't say a word. I'll admit, this last year hasn't been the greatest for me. I'm in something like year number four of depression, so I'm sure I'm not a joy to be around. But it would be really nice to have a conversation once in a while! And I honestly don't remember the last time he even made a suggestive comment to me, let alone put the moves on me. If you've never been depressed, and I hope you haven't, let me tell ya, feeling unattractive and unappealing is like a knife through the heart. I'm not going to lie and say "It's all his fault!" because I know better. It is really difficult some days to get dressed let alone put on makeup or do my hair. And the worst part about that is that not doing those things makes you feel even worse! Such a double edged sword.

Of course, with this constant crappy feeling hovering about me, I'm really unsure about inflicting others with it. Gods, what if it rubbed off on the boys? I know, I know, it's not contagious, but it's one of those weird things that run through my head. And yeah, I get a little too protective of the boys. Sure, they're not mine, but I couldn't love them more if they were. Heck, I might even love them more because they aren't. Blech, I'm rambling and making myself feel like poopy. I guess that means it's time to sign off. Cross your fingers for some sunshine!!!

Extended Weekend

So I went up to visit Mafia Wife and clan this past weekend and she and I "camped out" (okay, it was only for a few hours) to get me a Wii. Guess what I've been doing the last few days? Can you imagine, I'm playing the Wii!! I'm having a great time with it, and strangely I'm getting sore from it. As sad as it sounds and is, I think this is the most activity I've done in a long, long while. Feel the burn, baby! Well, it's not that dramatic, but I know I've been moving around a lot more. But it's rather encouraging, because I have a bit more energy. And that's after only two days! I'm excited. I even went to WalMart (*shudder*) to just wander around for a bit. I'm still not brave enough to wander through the mall. I've got to figure out a nice secure place to hide my checkbook and credit cards before I do that. But if things keep up, maybe I'll actually have the desire to do it.

I know it's so silly that a video game has helped me to feel this good. I think my biggest problem was the whole "I don't wanna get up!" thing. Once I'm up, I seem to manage for a while. And at least this is sparking some desire to get off of my lazy arse. Now I just need to find more inspiration to get off my duff.

When I grow up...

I wanna be a dog. Or a cat. To hell with the whole "I want to be a programmer/doctor/lawyer/astronaut" crap. What I really want is to be a dog. To have people who feed me and clean up after me. To have someone available to snuggle when I feel like snuggling. Or playing. To nap whenever I want to. To be loved for no other reason then that I'm fuzzy. That's what I want to be when/if I grow up. Now mind you, I haven't grown up yet, and I really don't think I'm ever going to. But if I do, I wanna be a dog. I mean, imagine, your biggest worry would be whether or not there's another bone after you finish chewing up this one. That's the life.

Of course, being a cat wouldn't be too bad either. If I felt like being rude, no one would care, they'd just say, "Well, she IS a cat." Again, someone would feed me and clean up after me. And be there for the playing and snuggling. And my biggest concern would be that the sunbeam that I'm laying in is moving away from my spot. Yep, being a cat wouldn't be too bad either. Except maybe the hairball thing. Of course, being a dog has some drawbacks too. It might get annoying to constantly be blamed when someone else passes gas. Of course, I could always poop in their shoes. Can't really do that when you're human. Probably a good thing ;)

One of Those Days again

I'm having another one of those days again. For some reason, and I really can't figure out exactly why, I woke up incredibly blue. I couldn't stop thinking about my dogs and how much I miss them. It's been almost a full year since I've seen the fuzzy little goobers, and it hasn't gotten any easier. Now granted, I don't want to forget them, but I thought that after some time, I'd stop questioning whether I did the right thing or not. For those who don't know (assuming any one other than Mafia Wife might read this), when my ex-husband and I divorced and I moved back to Michigan, from Alaska, we decided it would be better for the dogs to remain there with him. Harley is getting on in years and I was afraid that the trip would be too much for him. Roxy is and always has been a daddy's girl and would be so heartbroken to leave her daddy. And Kyrie, my little monster, she so loves to be outside romping about, how could I stuff her into a little apartment where she could only go outside once in a while? To this day I question whether or not I shouldn't have just taken Harley and Kyrie with me. Roxy was the ex's before we ever met, so there wasn't a question there. Sure, we bonded and I love her like my own, but the bond wasn't ever like her bond with my ex, and I couldn't tear her away from that, it would have been beyond selfish. But Harley, my darling boy, we were together for 13 years. Whenever I come home, I still look for him to greet me at the door. I wake up wondering why he's not at my feet. And Kyrie, we brought her home when she was six weeks old (yes, I know that was way too young!). I took her to her first vet appointment, I held her when she was so sick with giardia and she could barely lift her little head. And every night I wake up wishing that she were snuggling up next to me, burrowing her face into my hair (this was her "thing", she loved to cover her face up with my hair). For some reason, it's worse today. I wish I knew why. I just hope and pray that it's not because there is something wrong with one of my furry angels. You know, some sort of sixth sense thing going on. I miss them so much. I know, some folks would say, "They're just dogs..." but they were more than that to me. Whenever I felt lost or hopeless, which was a LOT when I was in Alaska, they were there to snuggle with me. Whenever I just needed to vent my thoughts, they listened (which is more than the ex could do) and didn't judge me. They gave me love for no reason other than to be loved in return. It breaks my heart to think of them so far away from me, considering everything that they did. Yes, I'm a sentimental fool, but I don't care. They are my babies and nothing will ever change that. No matter how far away or how much time passes, I hope they know how much I love them and treasure the time I had with them. And hopefully, someday they'll forgive me, even if I can't forgive myself.


An old picture of my Harley



Kyrie, with Roxy in the background

Ramble ramble

It seems I've been slacking this last week with the posting. I was doing so well too! But then, it's easy to jot down ideas when there is stuff going on. This week the weather has been crappy, my back and joints have been staging a revolt, and all-in-all, I really haven't wanted to do much of anything besides nap. I really hate it when I get like this.

I found out this week that my ol' man gets his kids for Memorial Day weekend. It's not normally his weekend, so that will mean three weekends in a row that I have to find somewhere to vacate to. I'm actually thinking about taking my parents up on their offer to go down to Florida for a visit. I hate to do it only because they'll insist on paying for the airfare and any dinners out. I appreciate it so much that they want to do this for me, but it just makes me feel rather slimy. I mean, jeesh, they're retired, they aren't fabulously wealthy, they've raised their kids already, why on earth do they have to support me for a week? But on the other hand, it'd be a chance to see my parents for a while. And probably my sister. And my niece, whom I've met once, three years ago. And to meet my nephew for the first time, and he's almost three! I'm a horrible aunt.

Of course, this brings up all of those really selfish thoughts as well. Every time I have to pack up and head out of here, I get a little bit more resentful of his kids. It's not really fair to them that I feel this way, but it's how I feel. I know that my "anger" is misplaced. I just keep trying to come to terms with it. I mean, it's not really their fault that they want to spend time with their dad. I can't blame them for that, can I? Though I do blame him for not standing up for me. I think he should explain to them that he loves me and that he wants me to be a part of his life from here on out. But he doesn't do that. And of course, with my paranoia, you can just imagine what thoughts that puts into my head. I mean, he tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I can't say that I've seen any evidence to that fact, so is he lying to himself and to me? I wish I knew. We even had our "discussion" about having a family again. The most that I can get out of him is that we will have a family "when we're more stable." What does that mean? Financially stable? Emotionally stable? That won't ever happen! And I'll be damned if I have to wait until his kids give their "approval" of us having children! But I fear that's exactly what he means. I think that I've waited long enough, and I think that I'm not asking for the world when I ask for the "when" of it. I mean, give me a time line of sorts. Three years? Five years? Give me something more than an abstract idea that you don't actually define. I'm very much afraid that this is his unconscious way of delaying it to the point where it's impossible. I'm not being fair, I'm sure, but that's how I feel. I've waited for sooooo long, and this is something that I've always wanted, and yet, it's still so far out of my grasp. I never thought that my dreams were that unattainable. Gods, sometimes I just wish that I could scream! Instead, I just cry until there aren't any more tears and wonder how on earth I could have let my life go the way it has. And times like this, I have to wonder why I ever left Alaska. Yep, hated it there. But at least I had a shot at those dreams. Even had taken steps towards fulfilling them. Oy vey, sometimes I think that I wasn't made to live in this world. None of it makes any sense to me.

And with that, I think I've rambled enough. Which you can actually read as: If I don't stop typing right this instant, I'm either going to weep uncontrollably, or toss the computer out the window. Laterz dudez!

Nooooo....

It's snowing. Yep, snowing. Has been all freaking morning. Non-stop. We're expected to get like three inches. As if the grayness of the last few days wasn't enough! Jeepers, I've forgotten to do everything lately! Especially make a post. Truth be told, there really hasn't been much on my mind the last few days. It's been so dreary, and I've been dealing with the icky joint pain and back ache that comes from the coldness. So basically, I didn't make any posts because I didn't think that any one would want to hear me ramble on about "Owie, it hurts!" and all of that. I mean really, I sound like a sickly old lady on days like that. It's annoying even to me. I keep trying to run out on myself, but I can't seem to get away. What a nuisance! So this is my lovely apology for missing the last few days of posting. I repent! Mea Culpa! And all that jazz. I'll try to come up with something brilliant for later on. No really, I'll try. I'm not going to promise to succeed, but I'll try!

Happy Easter!

There's not a whole lot going on this weekend, except for that stupid dusting of snow, yuck! I hope you all have a wonderful Easter!

Nothing much happened yesterday, so there wasn't anything to write about. The weather's been chilly and gray, so it was basically just a blah kind of day. One of those days where it would be perfect to curl up on the couch, wrapped in a nice cuddly blanket, sipping hot chocolate and either watching an old movie or reading a good book. As for today, it's pretty much the same. The body shop called this morning to tell me that the car was finished. So I went to pick it up and return the rental car. They did a really nice job. Not only did they make it look all purty, they washed the car inside and out. Now my car has that ultra fresh smell that only body shops seem to have access to. It's not a bad scent, but for some reason it reminds me of scented toilet paper or kleenexes. Yeah, I'll just chalk that up to my ultimate weirdness. So the Caddy's back home and you can't even tell that he got smacked around. They did a really good job on it. The paint matches exactly, the pinstripes are lined up perfectly. I'm just glad it's finished. Though, I kind of wish that it would have taken longer. I rather liked driving that Buick Lucerne around. Oh how I miss having a brand new car! I am such a snob!!!

A New Background

Well, Mafia Wife subtlely hinted to me via email that the crappy template that I was using was too boring, and she sent me a link to this one. I really like it, but for some reason it's just not quite right. Yeah yeah, I'm picky. So, for now I'll leave it up because it's cute and a lot better then the boring thing I had before. We'll just have to wait and see if I find anything else. Maybe the "big issue" that I have is that this isn't even my Kitty of Doom. Hrrmmmm, maybe I can talk the ol' man into getting another kitty...or better yet, a puppy!

And on another note, I just got a call from the car shop and the insurance appraiser. When they got inside, i.e. took the fender off, they did find more damage. Nothing too dramatic (a support for the radiator was bent) but the appraiser went out to the shop and authorized the repair and gave them a check for the additional charges. Then everyone called me to let me know. I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with how smoothly everything is going with the insurance company and the body shop. So far the only pain in the arse thing has been with the rental car, and that wasn't too bad. I have to say though, I'm not sure I'd ever rent an economy or the next step up from a rental agency. Those cars are used so much they're just this side of trashed. I think I'd spend the extra couple of bucks to have a vehicle that didn't smell like dirty diapers when the sun was shining...

The Rental Car Saga continues

Well, finally I have a new rental car. After about three phone calls to the insurance company and four or five to the rental company, they've all managed to get their paperwork (read: red tape) in order. So I got to take back the itsy bitsy Cobalt and now I've got a 2007 Buick Lucerne. Nice car. To their credit, the rental company was going to upgrade me into a full size Caddy, but the thing was freaking huge, and I really didn't want to try and park the darned thing. Besides, I'd probably get a bit too comfy in the super plushness and not want to get my car back! So I told them thanks, but it's not necessary, and I'd prefer the Lucerne. Frankly, those big arse Caddys are too big for my taste. The Lucerne is basically the same size as my Catera, and it's got all the same kind of plushness. In short, it's a similar vehicle, like I was promised! Thank goodness that mess is finished! Now I can be comfy while I'm waiting on my car to be fixed. I'm telling ya, this was such a headache! Granted, both the insurance company and the rental company were very pleasant to deal with, but it was just another case of too many hands in the cookie jar. I'm glad that I didn't have to organize all of this crap myself though. But then again, if I had, I don't think it would have been as messed up as it was. Phew. It's done! YES!

A Cat in the....Pants?!?!

Funny (and yet true) story: I ran out to the store last night to pick up a few things. Well, as usual, I spent longer then I planned and by the time I got home, my bladder was near to bursting (why does that always happen when you're out and about?). So I unlocked the apartment, ran in, dropped my bags, and ran to the bathroom. Knowing that my ol' man was going to be away, I didn't bother closing the door, which is odd for me because I'm super uptight about that. In saunters the Kitty of Doom to say hi to his mom. He proceeds to meow his greeting to me, yawned, and then decided to crawl into my pants! Why, I haven't the foggiest. How, you know, even though I saw the whole thing, I still can't figure it out. I mean, he managed to climb in, make himself cozy, and yet never touch my panties which, like my pants were down around my knees at this stage. He proceeded to fall fast asleep in less then a second, and could not be budged. So, I'm running around the house wearing my panties, trying to find some sweats or something, and all the while, he's snoozing in my pants in the bathroom. I guess I should just be thankful that a cute guy wanted to get into my pants...Though next time, maybe it could be a cute guy of the same species....

And on another topic: the Caddy went into the shop today. Talk about easy! I mean, the dealer that I took it to just happened to have a kiosk for the rental place on site. Though, it still took the rental people an hour to "clean up" the car they gave me. Talk about a joke. I was told by the insurance company that I would have something comparable to my car while it was in the shop. So in pulls this car that I'm getting: a Chevy Cobalt sedan. Okay, this isn't a bad car, but I'm not sure why exactly they make a four door model since there is no way in hell that any one of normal proportions could fit into that back seat. I am SOOOO glad that I didn't take my shop in last week when I was watching Mafia Wife's kids! I honestly don't think that their car seats could fit into that car. Now, I know that my car isn't one of the super big Caddys. I know that I was not going to be getting exactly what I have, but I figured that I should at least have something that people could fit into! And to top it off, I had to wait for an hour for them to "clean" this thing. Both front seats are stained. The passenger side airbag looks like it's been pried off on one corner. There is mud all over the inside of the doors. It's probably the most disgusting car I've ever rented. I don't expect perfection, but this was just too much. I took it home and called the insurance company since I didn't have the phone number with me. They promptly "upgraded" me to something that would be closer to what I've got. In theory. However, the rental agency doesn't seem to have gotten the authorization, and "any way, we don't have any of that size available tonight". Okay, so when will you have one? "Sometime tomorrow." Yeah, thanks dumb ass, that helps me a lot. I then have to call the insurance company again to have them resend the authorization over. Gods, if I don't have a halfway decent car by tomorrow, I'm gonna be hot. And not in a good way. But hey, maybe I can get Kitty of Doom to get in my pants again. =)

Righteous Ranting

I was skimming through the headlines over on CNN's website, when I stumbled unto this article. I thought I was going to retch. Can you even imagine such a thing? Maybe she was trying to pull some sort of scam or something, but I just shudder at the thought. It amazes me every single day, usually multiple times in a day, to hear of how horrid some people treat their children! Admittedly, I'm not a mother, so maybe I'm not "qualified" to say anything about this. But all of my life, all that I've ever wanted was to have a precious child. Someone to watch over, to teach right and wrong to, to share everyday things with. Then I read something like that article and think, I haven't been able to have kids, despite trying virtually everything I possibly can, and this slimebucket has 4!!! Four children who are going to have to try and break out of the horrible "lessons" that they've learned from their parents. And I truly believe that those kids understand WAY more than any of us will give them credit for. I just don't understand this sort of thing. Maybe that's good, because, to be honest, I don't want to understand it. I'm just so sickened by events like this one. Especially when I know that there are people out there, like me, who cry themselves to sleep every night because they haven't been blessed by the miracle of a child. I'm not saying I'd be a perfect mother (after a few days with Mafia Wife's boys, I'm sure I'd probably mess up a lot of stuff!), but I'd sure as hell be a better parent then this scumbag! I could go on and on about this, but frankly, I'm too disgusted and want nothing more then to snuggle my kitty and pretend that he and I are the only one's in the world.

Whoops...

I skipped a day. I'll probably have to sacrafice my firstborn in order to redeem myself now. I can already hear MW....*Shudder*

I've decided that today would be a lovely day to share an observation with y'all. Have you ever noticed that men and women answer questions differently? And expect different answers as well. Let me give you an example that happened to me last night: My ol' man is on his computer watching some sort of video. It looks cute so I ask him, "Honey, whatcha doing?" His response, "on the computer." Huh. Really? I was wondering what that thing was that you were staring at. (Hey, it's my story, I'm entitled to make editorial comments =P) Here, let split this up so it's easier to read.

Me: "Okay, so what are you doing on the computer?"
Him: "watching it."
Me: [eyes widened in disbelief] "I mean, what are you watching?"
Him: "a video"
Me: [teeth grinding] "I see that, um, what video?"
Him: "some stuff I found."
Me: [redfaced, ready to explode in frustration] "Okay hon, I see you watching a video on your computer, and it looks interesting. What I'm trying to get at is what video is it, where did you find it, that sort of thing, so that I can check it out."
Him: [rolls eyes] Why didn't you say that?

Now, of course, I, being female, assumed this is what I did from the very beginning. He, being male, answered the question that I asked each and every time, but only the question that I asked. Ever noticed this? I mean, if I had asked Mafia Wife this same question, she would have told me it was a video that she found on video-sharing-website-01 and listed out the freaking credits for me. Then she would have asked if I'd like another cup of coffee. This is the big issue with the whole "Male/Female" frustration. We just don't have a clue how to communicate with one another. Either that, or it's secretly Mens' desire to drive all of us women stark raving mad. And to think, growing up my Dad always told me to "Never marry a woman." I think he may have had that one backwards.

Good Morning!

Another beautiful day here in mid-Michigan. The sun is shining, it looks warm out there already (hey, I admit that I'm too lazy to step outside!). The Kitty of Doom is playing with the strings on the blinds while looking for squirrels and stuff out of the bedroom window. I'm kinda bummed that the ol' man took my desk out of there; I love watching KoD studying everything that moves outside. Plus, we'd sit there and watch for the deer. We've got a little swatch of forest just outside of our balcony, and last year there were three deer that lived there. It was always fun watching them. They're just so peaceful that it just feels good to watch them. I haven't seen them yet this year, but I hope that they'll still be there. It may just be too early for them, or it may be that I've missed them because I'm not sitting next to the window any more. I'm just going to have to make a bit more of an effort to watch for them this spring. It'll be nice to see more evidence of spring. This winter hasn't been too terrible, but I much prefer the warm air and the sunshine!

Nag Nag Nag

So Mafia Wife has been reading me the riot act for not posting on here regularly. I admit, there have been many long absences from writing, but frankly, nothing is going on, so what is there to write about? I'm pretty sure that no one wants to hear about how much phlegm I coughed up or stuff like that. And yes, my life is that boring. But any way, I thought I've been doing pretty good. I mean, this is what? the fourth post in a row? Not too shabby. I wish I could say something amusing, but I'm still wiped out. And again, life is pretty much uneventful. So MW, if you're reading this, I expect a cookie or something for being such a good girl and writing. So there.

Nothing but cuteness

Nothing seems to be going on today. I'm still fighting this stupid cold, but it's down to this never ending cough now. An annoying cough too. I probably sound like a dog barking or something. I just hope that I'm not keeping the little baby that lives in the apartment next door awake. Any way, I can't think, but I saw this completely adorable video over on www.cuteoverload.com and thought that I'd share. I love that website! It's always a nice little pick-me-up when I'm feeling down. So, without any further ado:

blechy yucky gross!

Yes, you've guessed it! I'm sick yet again. I swear, every single virus that has been out this year has made a beeline straight for me. So, with any luck, this loverly bottle of Zicam will do it's thing and make me feel quasi-human again. I really don't remember what it's like to be able to breathe through both nostrils any more.

There's really not much going on around here. I got back from visiting the Mafia family last night and got lots of snuggles from my kitty of doom. Got lots of snuggles from the old man too. It was pretty nice to just come home, though I'm missing MW's couch. She's got this really cushy comfy sofa/loveseat set. Perfect when you feel like just laying around. Of course, we've got this really disgusting, horribly ugly, terribly uncomfortable sectional that's been in the ol' man's family for like 40 years....Gah, if only he'd help me peruse Craig's List, maybe we could find something halfway decent and comfy! Sure, we can't afford new stuff right now, but I'd virtually kill for a comfy chair/sofa/loveseat. I wonder if MW would notice if I happened to accidentally steal one next time I'm there?

There's a quicky shot of my little guy. I'm not the greatest photographer, and since this one was done with a camera phone, the quality isn't the best. And if I could ever get Mafia Wife to drive her skinny little arse down here to take pictures of the kitty of doom I'd have something I could show off a lot more....I wonder if she'll take the hint?

It's been a while...

Yeah yeah, it's been a long, long while. Truth be told, I keep meaning to post something but when I sit down to do it, nothing comes out. I mean, total mind blank. I hate that. This week has been a bit of an adventure, so here I am to write about it.

The past few days, I got to (finally!) do something for my dear friends, Mafia Wife and The Boss Man. I say "finally" because they've done so damned much for me, and they never ask for anything in return. On a sidenote, everyone should be as lucky as I am to have friends like this. So, some friends of MW were getting married out in Colorado, and MW & BM decided to go. They asked me to hang out at their place and watch their kids and their dogs. Of course, there wasn't any question of whether I would or not, I mean, jeesh, it's not like I have anything to do, and this is just like an extension of my family. Then I got to thinking about it. I was terrified! What on earth do I know about taking care of two boys for a couple of days? I figured I'd end up emotionally scarring them for life, if not poisoning them with my horrendous cooking. Poor kids!!

Well, needless to say, everyone survived. The boys were wonderful, for the most part. I mean, hell, they are kids! They had to try and test me to find out what they could get away with! No biggie really though. They were very helpful with finding stuff, and normally did what I asked them to. The only bad thing that happened was my fault, which the Little Train Freak put me in a time out for! And yes, I let him! You see, silly ol' me looked at the clock and misread it. So, when I realized what time it was, I only had a couple of minutes to get Vinny ready to catch the bus. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but he was still in his jammies! What a trooper though. Within five minutes, he was dressed, had his shoes and jacket on, and backpack in hand. I'm tellin' ya, I was sooooo proud of him. So I got a minute long time out for making him rush. ;)

Later that same day, the mafia heads returned home to much hugging and kissing. And can you believe what those goofballs did? They brought me back gifts! How crazy is that? I mean, what is a few days when you think of all of the weekends they've let me crash on their sofa, fed me, etc. because of my bizarre situation? Okay, sure, it was a coffee mug (but it's a very cool mug), and some cigarettes, but wow. Like I told MW, now I'm her prison bitch because she paid me with smokes. Hmmm, maybe I should rename this joke that I call a blog...

Anyhoo, so I'm still here (not sure why they haven't tossed me out on my ass yet). I can't wait to get home and see my old man, but it is sooooo nice to be able to sit down, sip on some coffee and chat with my friends. I still wish we were all closer, but an hour and a half drive is a helluva lot better than me being in Alaska still!

And in conclusion, (yeah, I said that because it makes me sound all smart and stuff) congratulations to the newlyweds! Thanks for getting married so that I could do something nice for some of my friends! And thanks for the smokes MW. Or maybe I should call you "Mommy" now ;)

Ho hum

Just another day. You know, sometimes I'm just not sure why I even bother getting out of bed. It's always the same thing. Sit at the computer, check my email, check out the want ads on the local newspapers website, go through the local businesses to see if there are any new job postings. If I'm lucky, I get to fill out an app or two or send out a resume or two. Though writing cover letters sucks. With as many as I've written, you'd think I'd be getting better at them, but I still sit there and worry about what to say, or not to say. I'll admit it, I'm terrible at trying to sell myself. Which probably explains why I'm still job hunting. I just can't sit there and say, "Oh, I'm so wonderful, I'm so perfect!" I mean, jeesh, I'm freaking human, there is no way I can possibly be perfect! All in all, it's pretty depressing. I keep saying it, but I haven't been able to do it yet: I've got to just suck it up and go pound the pavement looking for a good ol' fashioned retail job. Yeah, I hate retail. Yeah, it makes me feel pretty sucky since I had this great job and now I have to go back to a mediocre job. I know there's nothing wrong with retail, it's good, honest work, but it seems like a step backwards somehow. I know that's a horrible, snobbish thing to say, and it makes me feel like garbage even thinking it, but the truth is, that's how I feel.

You know, when you're young, you have all of these big plans. I have pretty much made a complete mess of those plans, for better or worse. It just makes me wonder if all of this "planning" I'm doing is really planning or just hopeless dreaming. Gawds, I'm depressed. I just wish the world would stop so I could get off now. Maybe today is just one of those days where I feel worse than normal (I didn't even know that was possible!) Blech. I have got to get out of this slump!

New Year

Here's wishing everyone a Happy, Healthy, Wonderful New Year. It's that time when we sit down and make our resolutions and start planning all of the things we want to do in the coming months. Every year I toy with the same old resolutions: lose weight, get healthier, make new friends, be wiser, etc. and every year I don't succeed the way I envision. So this year I'm going to try something different. I don't know if it'll work. I don't know if it'll make a difference even if it does work. It's one of those funky experiments that I make with my life in the hopes of making it a bit brighter.

I love the idea of the "pay it forward" challenge, but I also know that I'm not in a position to help out any one else. Yet. I'll get there, and I am very much looking forward to it. But what about right now? I think about all of the wonderful things that other people have done for me, and I wonder, how can I repay them? The truth is, I can't. What I can do, is try to be kinder to other people. Even just the little things, letting a car out of the parking lot when there's heavy traffic, helping someone get something off the top shelf in the store because they can't reach it, that sort of thing. Earth shattering? No, it's not. But the truth is, when I do little things like this, these random acts of kindness or whatever you want to call them, I feel better about myself. I'd like to think that for a few minutes that other person feels good too.

I don't know if this will accomplish anything. I'm hoping that it'll help me to feel better about myself and my surroundings by helping me to feel like I am a part of something bigger than just "me". I'm hoping that along the way, I'll help one person to smile a little bigger, to laugh a little louder, to feel special for one fleeting moment. I think my prospects for this are much better than my prospects for losing weight or quitting smoking too. So maybe, by just not setting myself up for a fall, I'll grow just a little bit this year. And maybe, just maybe, I'll learn how to be a better person.