I miss you, Mom

One year ago, we took my mom off of life support after the doctors determined that her heart attack the day before caused her to be brain dead. I made it to Florida in time to take her off and to spend a bit of time with her the night before, when we thought there might still be some hope left. It was a nice quiet time that I had with her alone. I got to tell her so many things that I had never been able to say before. I don't know whether she "heard" me, but I believe that there was still a part of her there in that room even though her body was only alive via machines. Because I've never really had a chance to release my thoughts to anyone, I'm going to do it here in the hope that 1) her spirit will hear it and 2) that I can get out those things that I have to say, even though I don't know whether any one is listening. Brief warning, this will probably be a long one.

First, a quick but heartfelt thank you to the ICU nurses that took care of mom. Even though you had never met her, you both treated my family with love and compassion. It wasn't just a "job" to you, you didn't just come in and check the machines and settings. Both nurses took that extra moment to see if we needed anything, had questions, etc. When the time came to take mom off of the machines, you stayed in the room, squeezing dad's hand and giving support. I saw you cry along with our family. You gave us reassuring hugs, passed tissues, and offered words of sympathy. Thank you for being a beautiful human being.

And another thank you to the ER doctor who worked so hard to save mom. You went above and beyond. You did everything in your power, in your training and education, to bring her back to us. You came up to check on her in ICU on your break even though she wasn't your patient any longer. You took my sister and I aside to check to see how our dad was holding up. That meant the world to me and I will never forget that you cared.

And a last one to the people that I ran into in my mad dash to get to my mom's side. From the person at the counter of the airline, the lady that let me "cut" in line ahead of her, security personnel, and that sweet angel that I sat next to on the plane. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to say good bye. Your willingness to help a stranger touched my heart. It may not have been anything big to you, but it was huge to me. Thank you.

Now, to my mom. I miss you so much. I still can't believe that you aren't here with us any more. Every time I call dad, I expect to hear you pick up the phone. I know that you won't, but I keep hoping. It is still so fresh and raw. You were the best mother that a girl could have. I know you weren't perfect; you made mistakes, but I always felt loved. I know that I wasn't the best daughter in the world, but you made me feel like I was. I know that there were plenty of times that you didn't like me very much. I can't say that I blame you there. There were plenty of times when I was pretty darned awful. But through it all, you were always there for me, no matter what incredibly dumb thing I did. I've been trying to live up to your example, but I'm not doing a great job of it. I feel like every time I do something kind, it comes back and bites me. I am going to keep trying though. Not to gain anything, unless causing someone to smile or do something nice for someone else is a gain. Maybe someday it will all come back to me and I'll get a shot at something wonderful. I think that I've already messed that up though. I was given the most amazing parents in the world, but I never told you how much I love you while you were on earth. Maybe now that you're in heaven or paradise or whatever you want to call it you'll be able to feel how much I love you and how much I appreciated everything that you gave me, every lesson, every hug. And I hope that you can forgive me for not being a better person than I am. I keep trying to be a better human being. I try to help when I can. I try to spread a bit of happiness and love, even just a smile, where ever I go. It isn't easy, especially on days like today when I feel so empty and sad. But I keep trying, and because of your love, I will never stop. I wish that I could have been successful and had a great marriage and beautiful kids for you to spoil. I didn't succeed in that, and I am sorry. You were the best grandmother in the world. I'm still trying to find that love like you and dad had. I've only managed to find half of it though. But that's a start. I refuse to be negative today, especially when I am remembering the most amazing woman that I ever could know. Sure, you weren't internationally famous. You didn't rescue starving children or whatever. Some might say that your life was just ordinary. I disagree with that. I know bits and pieces of what you overcame. You never talked about your youth much, so I don't know all of it. But I know that the life you made with dad was a testament to your extraordinariness. I know, I probably just made up a word. The thing is, you are my mom. Not just a mother. Any one can be a mother. You were a mom. Huge difference. Sometimes friend, sometimes teacher, sometimes judge, sometimes prison guard. You wore so many hats with beauty and dignity. You taught me so much. To your dying moment, I learned from you. I still am actually. I always will. It makes me wish even more that I had someone to pass on your wisdom to. Maybe I can share it with your grandchildren, my niece and nephew. I don't think I'll be lucky enough to give you any.

Mom, I have to stop here. Forgive me, there's more that I wish I could say. I hope you can read my heart now that you're free of earthly bonds because I don't know the words to tell you how loved you are.

It's been a while

It's been a long time since I've bothered to sit down and write anything. I guess that I just haven't had anything to say. Or maybe I've just kept everything bottled up for so long and now I just have to get it out. This is definitely better than putting myself on a ton of meds or biting someone's head off.

During this latest job hunt, I've realized that I don't have any friends left. Sure, I have acquainances, but no real friends any more. I don't know when or how that happened, but I've been trying to come up with three personal references and I can't seem to. I knew that I was a bit of a hermit, but I didn't think that I had cut myself off from everything. I know I've been wrapped up with Brian, but that is even pretty pointless, it seems. It's hard for me to understand how someone who claims they want to make a life with you can still text old girlfriends telling them how much they help him, etc. Mind you, I'm not allowed to be friends with any one that I've ever dated. Am I out of line in thinking that distance doesn't make any difference, that this is still a form of betrayal? I know that he hasn't slept with anyone or "cheated" that way, but I still see this as a form of cheating. Especially when she sends him risque (not nude) photos of herself that he keeps on his bloody phone. I'm not blaming the woman; I doubt that he's ever mentioned that I'm his "girlfriend". I can't blame her if she doesn't know. But he does and he still saves the picture (it's her contact picture no less!) and texts her. I'd guess that they talk on the phone, but I don't know for sure. I know he's done it many times before, although he won't admit it. I've seen the pictures, I've read the texts (I know, shame on me :( ). I feel guilty for that part because it is breaking a trust. But then, I think that I have a right to know. And even after breaking down and bawling my eyes out, he reassures me that it's only me, blah blah blah. But the old signs are back; the irrational anger and intent to pick a fight. The sudden need to take his phone everywhere all the time -- even to the bathroom. I just give up. I don't know what to do any more. I love him dearly, but I deserve better than this. Part of me wants to just tell him to go and get on with it. Part of me wants to clear out my few things at his place, give back the key, and walk away. And part of me just feels hopelessly lost. I admit, part of me even wants to call up an ex or two and see if they're single. I won't do the last part; that's just an angry retalitory reaction and I'd only be hurting myself in the end. But really, is it so wrong to want to matter to someone in some way? When even the man that claims to love me won't listen or respect my feelings, how can any one else? Gah! I just don't know any more. Maybe there really is something horribly wrong with me that causes me to just mess everything up. I wish I could figure out what it is so that I can fix it. Or try to.

Okay, I think that's enough ranting for now. If I don't end now, I'll have pages and pages of rehash. Thanks for listening non-existent readers!

Almost a month

Well, it's been almost a month since I've posted. I've started working at a local mega-store doing a whole lot of stuff. Frankly, I've been pretty darned whipped. It's been too long since I've worked, and even longer since I had a job where I was on my feet all day. To top it off, I work first shift, which sounds really good, in theory. Unfortunately, first shift constitutes 5am Monday through Saturdays, and 4am on Sundays. Except this Sunday which is weird because they're having us come in at 3 in the morning. I can't say that I remember when the last time I stayed up past 9pm was. The only reason I remember the last time I was up past 8 is because Phenomenon was on and I had to get my dose of Criss Angel. Oh yeah! It must have been Tuesday night then that I stayed up past 9 since Mindfreak was on! I'm not really sure it counts though since I had to take a 2 hour nap in order to stay awake long enough to watch it. And by "had to" I mean that I fell asleep and there wasn't a chance in hell that I would be woken up. All in all, it's going pretty well with the job. It's not the greatest job in the world, but at least it's income.

Not a whole lot else going on though. Kitty of Doom is being a little bastard and is going to have to go and stay with his daddy. This breaks my heart since he's my baby and I have trouble falling asleep without his snuggles, but he's been tormenting Mafia Wife's cat to no end. I wish I knew why he was doing it, and I wish I knew how to get him to stop, but he only seems to get totally out of hand when I'm not here (when I'm here, he tends to hang out with me upstairs). So, I made the decision to have him go and stay with Tim for the time being. It tears me up since he's been about the only thing constant in my life for the last year and a half, but it's not fair for him to cause such stress to MW's cat either. Hopefully, it won't be a problem for Tim. It had better not be! I should probably start thinking of alternatives just in case though. It'll be kind of rough for KoD since he's such a mama's boy, but I think the quiet will be more to his liking. Frankly, there's just a lot of stuff going on here all the time what with the boys being normal kids and the dogs and stuff. He's never experienced any of that and he hasn't really adjusted very well from the looks of it. Hopefully, this will be better for everyone concerned. Except maybe for me since I think he's actually my kid. Oh well, suck it up and deal with it, right? My decision, and I have to do what's best for the majority, not necessarily what I want.

Any way, that's my big update. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll try to update again soon, but since nothing really goes on in my life, "soon" might be in another month!

Finally something to write about

Yep, I figured that I finally had something to write about. Why you ask? Because my lazy self finally got a job. Now, it's not one of those "I'm gonna be a millionaire in 6 weeks" kind of jobs. But that's probably pretty good. In fact, this is probably the least money I've made since the mid-1990's. But you know what? It's work. I'm going to be out and about and there's even a chance for advancement, if I do my job well enough. All I know to do is to do the best that I can, and hope that I can continue to do it better. So that's my big exciting news. I'm happy, but I'm not nearly as thrilled as I should be. Probably because I'm still trying to absorb the shock.

I had a nice weekend though. I went down and spend Saturday and Sunday night with Tim, and we had a really nice time. Saturday night we did our fun outing. We go out to different places and do an "Appetizer and Dessert" Night. You know how it is, you go out to a restaurant and even if you're famished, you never have room for the appetizer, dinner, and dessert, so we go out to places we've never been and get appetizers, check out the menu, check out the place, maybe have a drink, and go somewhere else after for either more appetizers or for dessert. It's really a lot of fun. We went to some places that I never would have thought of this weekend. If you've never thought about doing this, I really do recommend it. It's a great way to find different restaurants. I hate trying new restaurants because I'm really picky about food. In fact, I am an anti-vegetarian. I hate veggies. Except broccoli. Smothered with cheese sauce. Though you can hold the broccoli if you want. So doing this, there's no "obligation" to find something on the menu. If the appetizers don't look yummy, you get your soda or your drink and go somewhere else. Tons of fun, especially when you get to talking with the staff of whatever establishment you're in and get their recommendations. So, that was my big weekend. Yep, it doesn't take a whole lot to get me excited!

Hanging out

I'm just sitting here hangin' out wit' my homies...(Do they still say that? I'm sooooo out of touch). Monster Puppy is over on the bed keeping an eye on the shadows. She has to do this or else they might move and come after her, you know. Right now they're staying pretty still, but she won't be fooled. Kitty of Doom is making sure that Mafia Wife's chest (for storing things you pervs) doesn't levitate out of the room. Always a danger. Without these two, I think this house would be overtaken by floating chests and shadow people.

I've got a second interview tomorrow, so hopefully that will go well and I can become a productive member of society once again. Plus it'd be nice to see a few "pluses" in the bank account instead of the "minuses". I know, I'm greedy. That's pretty much all that's going on for me. I don't lead a very exciting life. But my back hurts and I could use a massage. Do you think I can train Kitty of Doom to do this?

For the Mom's out there

I've got nothing real exciting to report, but a friend of mine sent this to me via email and I thought I'd share with you all. Have a good chuckle!


Why God Made Moms
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:


Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between Moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

I feel a little weird today...

So, I thought I'd share this lovely video that I saw on Cute Overload. Gotta love them over there for there pursuit of all things cute and funny. The perfect antidote to a crappy day or a blah kind of day. Enjoy!