It's been a while

It's been a long time since I've bothered to sit down and write anything. I guess that I just haven't had anything to say. Or maybe I've just kept everything bottled up for so long and now I just have to get it out. This is definitely better than putting myself on a ton of meds or biting someone's head off.

During this latest job hunt, I've realized that I don't have any friends left. Sure, I have acquainances, but no real friends any more. I don't know when or how that happened, but I've been trying to come up with three personal references and I can't seem to. I knew that I was a bit of a hermit, but I didn't think that I had cut myself off from everything. I know I've been wrapped up with Brian, but that is even pretty pointless, it seems. It's hard for me to understand how someone who claims they want to make a life with you can still text old girlfriends telling them how much they help him, etc. Mind you, I'm not allowed to be friends with any one that I've ever dated. Am I out of line in thinking that distance doesn't make any difference, that this is still a form of betrayal? I know that he hasn't slept with anyone or "cheated" that way, but I still see this as a form of cheating. Especially when she sends him risque (not nude) photos of herself that he keeps on his bloody phone. I'm not blaming the woman; I doubt that he's ever mentioned that I'm his "girlfriend". I can't blame her if she doesn't know. But he does and he still saves the picture (it's her contact picture no less!) and texts her. I'd guess that they talk on the phone, but I don't know for sure. I know he's done it many times before, although he won't admit it. I've seen the pictures, I've read the texts (I know, shame on me :( ). I feel guilty for that part because it is breaking a trust. But then, I think that I have a right to know. And even after breaking down and bawling my eyes out, he reassures me that it's only me, blah blah blah. But the old signs are back; the irrational anger and intent to pick a fight. The sudden need to take his phone everywhere all the time -- even to the bathroom. I just give up. I don't know what to do any more. I love him dearly, but I deserve better than this. Part of me wants to just tell him to go and get on with it. Part of me wants to clear out my few things at his place, give back the key, and walk away. And part of me just feels hopelessly lost. I admit, part of me even wants to call up an ex or two and see if they're single. I won't do the last part; that's just an angry retalitory reaction and I'd only be hurting myself in the end. But really, is it so wrong to want to matter to someone in some way? When even the man that claims to love me won't listen or respect my feelings, how can any one else? Gah! I just don't know any more. Maybe there really is something horribly wrong with me that causes me to just mess everything up. I wish I could figure out what it is so that I can fix it. Or try to.

Okay, I think that's enough ranting for now. If I don't end now, I'll have pages and pages of rehash. Thanks for listening non-existent readers!