10 Years Ago Today...

Ten years ago today, I woke up, got ready, and headed out to work. You know, pretty typical day. I got there and a co-worker who knew me pretty well runs up and hysterically asks, "Are you okay?" I'll be honest, I had no idea why this girl was freaking out and so worried about me. So, I answer and ask why she's so worried, you know, that which seems so normal. The words that came out of her shocked me so badly, and I can remember that moment so clearly it's like it happened yesterday. She said, "Princess Diana is dead." She knew that I am a huge fan of the Royal Family, and of Princess Diana in particular (though I'll confess that when I was a young girl, I was convinced that I would meet and marry Prince Andrew. No idea how that would have ever happened, but I was certain that it would). Today marks the tenth anniversary of her death, and though the pain isn't fresh, it still makes me stop and think. I know that there are still some people out there who believe that there was some sort of conspiracy surrounding her death, but I'm not one of them. Oh sure, I totally understand why someone would want to believe that. I mean, here's this cultural icon, someone who seems so full of life (larger than life in some cases), and suddenly she's gone. I didn't want to believe that someone who had such a profound effect on my life could be taken in such a preventable and all too common occurance as being a victim of a drunk driver. But, that is what happened.

Diana, Princess of Wales, taught me many things. To be empathetic. To try and reach out to those who everyone else seems to have forgotten. That it was okay to have problems and feel lost sometimes. So today, of all days, I think a proper tribute to her would be to perform at least one act of random kindness. Granted, I think that this is something that we should strive to do every day, but for me, the lessons that she taught me, most of which are too indefinable to put into words, today is the perfect day to try even harder. R.I.P. Diana, and know that you are truly missed.

Oh what a night!

Well, we had a lovely evening out for Tim's birthday. We went out and had a nice dinner, and driving home were treated to an amazing full moon. Of course, I didn't have my camera with me, and by the time we got home, I was too tired to go running around trying to get a view of it. Actually, I was fighting with a nasty, nasty bout of nausea all day, and I got to spend the later part of the evening with my dear friend "John". Yep, I gave a nice offering (my nice dinner, natch) up to the porcelain god. So now I'm stuck with a raging headache, and a nice red eye from the strain. Gotta hate that. But it was a nice evening, and it felt so good to do something nice with and for Tim.

File under: "Lucy, you (might) have some 'splaining to do"
Unfortunately, yesterday wasn't my first bout of this lovely nausea. In fact, it's been going on for a while now. And I know your first thought, "OMG, are you preggers?" Well, it was my first thought too. Especially considering other, um, visitors who have failed to make an appearance quite yet. Truth is, that's something I've been hoping for for soooooo long, that I'm afraid to even think about it. To say the least, if I were, it would be really really really bad timing. But then, when isn't it? As for the explaining, well, someone would have to explain a LOT of things to me! I mean, the doctors have said that it's a mighty small chance that I can ever get pregnant. Not to say that I can't, but it's a very big long shot. And to top it off, Tim has had a vasectomy, so (though I know that's not 100% effective), that would put the odds of us getting pregnant somewhere in the "Not Bloody Likely" category. Unless you can get pregnant from dreams. Then Criss Angel is going to have to cough up some serious child support. *Sigh* It was one helluva dream, but it was just a dream! So now I'm trying to figure it out. The "symptoms" could be explained in a number of different ways from something as normal as stress to menopause to major medical conditions. Now, I don't think it's menopause, I think (hope) that I'm too young, but it's hard to base it off of the women in my family since I'm the only one that hasn't had kids. Not to mention that I really don't want it to be that because then even that miniscule chance is ripped away from me. I hope it's nothing major, for obvious reasons. It could easily be stress because I do put myself in some very screwed up situations. So now I'm trying to figure out whether I should invest in one of those lovely tests. On the one hand, I'd have a better idea of things. On the other, well, when it comes up negative, it's hard to convince yourself that you weren't hoping it came out positive. Maybe I'll just go rip a branch off a tree and pee on it. I mean, if it turns blue, I'll know, right? Yeah yeah, that ain't gonna work. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. I know I need to find out, but I don't know if I can handle seeing the test come up negative. Silly, I know. But I've been hoping, praying, and trying for more years than I care to count. I pretend to have the "whatever will be, will be" attitude, but I'm not really that good of an actress. I've already talked to Tim about it (and was terribly relieved when he didn't accuse me of sleeping around-haha), and he's cool with the idea, however, he's obviously worried about how all this would pan out. Hell, if his kids won't come over because I live here (and I haven't seen hide nor hair of them in a year), imagine if there were another child involved. And you can damned well better believe that I wouldn't be carting my kid all over hell and back just so that they could come over for the weekend. That's just ridiculous. Oy vey, wouldn't that be a fine kettle of fish? Oh god, what to do, what to do? If anyone is still reading this long raving post, and you've got any advice, I'm more than happy to hear it. I know, one step at a time. I guess I'd better work up the courage to buy a test, huh?

Party!

Okay, so there isn't a party. But today is Tim's birthday and I'm trying to get everything done to make it a nice one. We'll be heading out to dinner tonight, and I think I've gotten all of the shopping done for it. I couldn't figure out what to get him so I just bought a bunch of clothes (more than I planned because I managed to stumble into a nice sale! Yay!) He doesn't want a big production, so I'm skipping the cake. Though I'm thinking about going out and getting some stuff to make a little ice cream cake. Nice and easy, and quick too. We've been together for a long time, but I've never been able to really do anything for him for his birthday. So though he doesn't want a big deal made out of it, I'd like to do something nice for him. I think I'm going to head out later to see if I can find a couple of pairs of jeans for him since his are all ripped up from work. I looked through every stinking pair of jeans at the store yesterday, but couldn't find his damned size. Every other size, but not his. I love that he's tall, but what a pain in the butt to find clothes! I have to admit that getting him clothes is a disappointment for me. I know he needs stuff, but it's just so boring. And I've always thought of birthday and Xmas gifts as a time to get someone something that they've wanted but wouldn't necessarily buy for themselves. Mafia Wife and I were talking about this, but it's hard to get something for someone who either has everything, or doesn't really want a whole lot. Part of the problem is that with money being scarce, neither one of us will say "Oooh, I'd love to have that!" when we're out and about shopping. Since we know we can't afford all of the luxuries right now, both of us are trying hard to be on our best spending behavior. Which makes gift ideas difficult to come up with! I think I'm a lot easier because I will still say, "I want that...someday". Tim doesn't. He just glances at it and walks away without even showing it to me. Ah well, someday, with some hard work, we'll be able to do nicer things for each other. Hmm. Gotta decide whether I want to do the ice cream cake or not. Okay, well, I want to do it, but will he think I went overboard is the real question. Especially since we're going out to dinner and could conceivably order dessert while we're there. Decisions decisions. Maybe I'll just wait and make Yours Truly's French Toast. Damn that stuff sounds good... I feel the pounds packing on along the hip area just thinking about it!

R.I.P. Riley

It's a sad day for my family today. I just got an email from my sister saying that they had to put their family dog, Riley, to sleep this morning. He's been sick for a while, and the doctor's weren't able to figure out what was wrong. Well, they finally found out. He had cancer in his stomach and it was too far gone for them to be able to operate. Riley was a very sweet dog, with lots of affection. He liked nothing more than to be pet and to snuggle. He was so wonderful with my niece and nephew. The things he tolerated! Though in truth, it seemed to me that he wasn't tolerating, that he just loved it. He loved his family so very much and I think his biggest regret would be that he couldn't have stayed to take care of them longer. So now that he's in Doggy Heaven, I thought I'd put up the two pictures that I have with him in it. I'm slapping myself that I didn't get any pics of just him. But these will have to do as a memorial to that great and loving dog named Riley.



Here he is in the background keeping his eye on my silly nephew


And again, in the background trying to keep this goofy boy out of trouble

Laundry day

Yep, I'm doing laundry. How very exciting. And to top off the day's events, I get to go shopping tonight! Woohoo! Okay, really, not exciting at all. But not every day gets to be a party. And I really don't have anything to say today, but I'm bored and need a break, so here I am regaling you all with my uneventful day. Let's see, what else have I been doing? Pretty much just trying to organize and stuff and make out my lists of things that I am going to need/want when I join the Mafia. Got lots of stuff on my list, but a lot of it is "eventually" stuff. Of course, I think I've figured out the real reason that this is going to happen. I've been longing for their TiVo. Yep, I'm gonna admit it. Though I think they only want me there for my Playstation. But I get the last laugh there because it's only a PS2! Muhahahahaha!

Okay, and on that note, I thought I'd share something amusing/cute with you. Because I'm kinda bored and I've run out of stuff to say.

Decision made

It's taken a little over a year, but I've finally made the decision to inflict myself on Mafia Wife, Bobby and children full time. Pray for them. Tim's middle kid decided that he would not come over on Tim's weekends any more because I still live here with Tim. He feels that Tim has lied to him because somewhere down the line Tim and his ex-wife (JoAnn) planned that I would move out when I got a job. Well, I haven't found a job yet, and that plan was not my plan. That's the problem with making plans that concern someone else; they may not go along with it. When I first heard about that plan, I told Tim in no uncertain terms what a very bad idea that was. But now I'm an even bigger bad guy because his kids don't want to spend time with him if I live here. Granted, they haven't even seen me in more than a year. I guess seeing my stuff is too much for them to handle. I wonder how much they'll holler when they realize that much of the stuff that's here that they use and enjoy is mine and will be going with me...Oy, shouldn't think those kinds of vindictive thoughts. I mean, it's not the kids' fault that they feel the way they do. Perhaps if their parents had had a little bit of discretion things would have worked out differently. But alas, we'll never know now.

So I feel pretty shitty. I've been fighting and working for this relationship for many many many years, and I feel like this has pretty much signed it's death warrant. Though I'll only be about an hour away, it's not easy trying to maintain a relationship that way. And, though I have no qualifications in determining children's behavior, I think that they will continue to make ridiculous demands on their dad. Like I said, I'm not qualified to figure out kids will act, so I could (and probably--hopefully--am) be way off base. But I know when I was a kid, if I did something and it resulted in getting what I wanted or getting things done the way that I wanted, I kept doing it. And when it started failing, I'd step it up a notch. And so on, and so forth. By letting the kids decide who lives where and who he dates, etc. I think Tim has really painted himself into a corner. I don't think that the kids will ever allow him and I to be happy and if they finally "allow" us to be together, I think they will do everything in their power to try and make us miserable. I'm probably way off base, but that's my gut feeling.

So on top of feeling shitty, I feel like I haven't ever made a good decision in my life. Luckily, there is some evidence to disprove this. At least a little bit. I was smart enough (though maybe the credit shouldn't be entirely be given to me) to pick the right kind of friends. I may not have a whole slew of peeps that I can hang out with, but the ones I've got would give me the shirt off their backs. Or in this case, a place to live while I get back on my feet. How bloody lucky is that? I mean, how many people can honestly say that they've got people who'll not only be there through the good and bad, but that'll prop them up and keep them going every step in between? I'm pretty damned lucky. That's probably the biggest understatement of the century. So I gotta get my arse in gear, get a job (hopefully a halfway decent one), and get out of their place before I drive them up a wall. I can't even tell you how mixed my feelings are right now. I mean, I'm so happy and so proud to have such wonderful friends, but I am soooooooooooooo worried that I'm going to do something that'll screw it all up. No matter what, I had better not let that happen.

And on yet another note, I feel kind of guilty because I've been having incredibly horrible, evil thoughts. I mean, really evil, at least for me. If you know me at all, you probably know that I am too nice most of the time. Apparently I have a very vindictive streak though. JoAnn (Tim's ex-wife in case you've forgotten) had to go in for a colonoscopy today, and I've been hoping all freaking day that the doctor slips with his probe. Though maybe we'll all get really lucky and the doctor will find her head up there. I can think of a lot more stuff she can shove up there that rotten, horrid person. See? even when I'm being mean and bitchy I'm still "nice". No wonder I'm so messed up.

Okay, off to see what else I can get packed up. Oh crap, I need more boxes. Grr, I don't wanna go to the store...

Flashbacks, oh no!

Well, nothing has been going on around here. I mean nothing. It's been rainy and gray for what seems like forever. I'm starting to have flashbacks to living in Juneau. It's scary. I almost asked Tim if he wanted to go for a drive out by the glacier yesterday. I think that means it's time for the sun to come out again. Or it's time for me to seek counselling. But then, we've known that was the case for years! Okay, since I'm having these flashbacks, I thought I'd share a photo from my days in Juneau. This is of the Mendenhall Glacier which was about 3 miles from my house. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, although Alaska is gorgeous, I could NEVER live there again.




Btw, this was obviously taken on one of the VERY rare sunny days. I do mean very rare. Remember folks, this place is in a rain forest. Like, for real (Tongass National Forest).

eww, jury duty

Yeah, joy. I've been summoned for jury duty. How thrilling. I can't say that I'm overjoyed by this. How can I make decisions that affect someone else's life (and sometimes multiple people) when I can't even figure out my own half the time? Oy vey, I really hope that there isn't any thing pending that needs a jury. I really, really, really don't want to do this. I guess I shouldn't complain, I mean, it is my duty and all that crap. But I just don't feel competent to do it. Sitting there with a bunch of strangers waiting around all day, I will be such a basket case. Though maybe I should be glad. I mean, if I do get stuck being on a jury, then they'll pay me. Sure, it's a pittance, but it is better than what I'm making right now. You know, if I get stuck doing some long drawn out case, that's when I'll get a boatload of calls for interviews. Bloody Murphy's Law, I swear. Grr. One step at a time. Just have to wait until it's my time and make my phone call and hope that they don't need me. And hope. And hope. Patooey!

Ho Hum

Nothing going on. Really. It's been so incredibly boring around here. And even quieter than usual. My "big" night has finally arrived. Yes, Criss Angel's doing his "Naked Escape" stunt tonight. Kind of a bummer that they're blocking it all out, but then again, after he and I run off and elope together (yeah right!), I'll probably be glad that all the fans of his show didn't see his, um, gear. And I'm sure I'll be content seeing him in his CK's. Yum. Though after tonight, what am I going to have to look forward to? Hohum. Maybe I'll just nap away the rest of the week. If only.

Oh yeah, and this one is for Mafia Wife. Because it reminds me of her. A lot. I mean, a whole LOT.



And for Bobby, though I'm not sure exactly why, this just reminds me of him:

YAWN...

I'm tired. Really tired. I woke up around 4:30 this morning feeling cold and damp. That is soooo not a pleasant sensation. But yes, the stupid water bed sprung another leak on my side again. So I had three options, 1) sleep in bed while getting soaked by a pinprick of a leak that I wouldn't be able to find at that hour, 2) get up and do something, or 3) get out of bed and try and camp out on the couch. Now, if I've never mentioned it before, we've got the couch from hell. Literally. It's this old, old, old sectional that probably never saw better days. Like even new from the store, I think this thing was designed for torture. I made a valiant effort to catch a few zzzz's there, but I didn't get much more than a back ache. I have trouble sleeping while sitting up in an uncomfortable position. Not that the stupid water bed is any better, mind you. I really, really, really hate that bed with a passion. It was Tim's from way back when, and it sat unused for like ever, only to be put out when Tim got divorced and moved out. The really crappy thing is that the couch and the water bed are all we've got, so at this point, this is how it is. I wish that I was able to sleep on floors! I think I might look at air mattresses today because when this happens again (and it will, this bed springs leaks all the time it seems), I want somewhere that I can get a little bit of sleep.

In other news, Tim is taking his kids on vacation beginning tomorrow night. How boring for me. The really sad part is that I've got nothing going on all week while he's gone. The only thing that I'm looking forward to is watching Criss Angel: Mindfreak. Yeah yeah, I'm hopelessly addicted. And this week's episode sounds promising, especially with the old man away. It's called "Naked Escape". SO, what's better than seeing Criss Angel nekkid while my man is gone? Not much, unless he (C.A.) happened to appear nekkid at my doorstep...And if that ever happens, I will not be responsible for my actions. Still trying to figure out how I'd restrain an escape artist though.... ;)

Sad Night

Considering the news last night of the bridge collapsing near Minneapolis, I thought I'd share a funny picture with you guys. I woke up to read about the bridge, and felt so sad, I just needed to do a little something to make myself smile a bit. Before I do though, let me just say that my thoughts and prayers go out to all of those affected by this latest tragedy. And without further ado:





Yep, that's the Kitty of Doom there, after being caught surfing the net for "kitty pr0n". Okay, that's not really what he was doing (this time). He likes to sit in his daddy's office chair and nap. And he likes to sit like this basically anywhere. But this is one of the few times I've ever seen him in this pose in the chair. I thought it was really cute. And yes, his eyes are always that big. I think that the Kitty of Doom is actually the reincarnation of Al Bundy. Which is much better than say, Ted Bundy. Yep, the cat's weird. No wonder he fits in around here.

New Format!

Yep, I gave up. I just went and got a new format to do what I want this silly blog thing to do. I really hate the colors. And I really don't give a hoot about the picture. It's pretty and all, but I can't say that I have any real feeling about it one way or the other. The one that I liked most, which is not to say that I loved it, decided it didn't want to work, and I was too lazy to mess with it. My hope is that now that I have the layout all worked out, I will take the time to pick out colors that I like and find a picture that I like. That's the plan any way. I wouldn't recommend holding your breath waiting though. I get way too distracted, way too easily. It all comes from having no life, ya know.

So, other subjects. Let's see, the news is always bad and I've already ranted about current events this week. Oh, I just finished reading the latest (and final) Harry Potter book. I won't include any spoilers, just in case there's someone out there who hasn't read it yet but wants to. Suffice it to say that it was a very good story and I enjoyed it as much as all the rest of the series. I have been very impressed how the events in these books have aged with the characters. And even though this is technically a kids/young adult series, I'm glad that I read it. And I'll probably sit down at some point and re-read it.