Happy Labor Day!

To all of you that work out there, I hope you had the day off and get to enjoy some time with friends and family.

As for me, I still feel pretty crappy. Even though I knew that my little test would be negative, there was some small part of me that was hoping that it would be positive. I admit it, all that I've ever wanted was to have a family. To be a mom. I have no illusions that I'd be "the world's best mom" or anything like that, but I know that I would have tried. This latest disappointment feels like that hope, that dream, has finally flew right out the window. What do you do when your fondest dream slips right out from under you? I'm still trying to figure that out. I've spent most of the weekend bawling my eyes out, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm thinking I've got to find something else to take the place of my biggest hope. I just wish that I could curl up and die, to be honest. I know, that wouldn't solve anything. But I just can't seem to get a grip on this. It's like all of my hope is completely gone now. Everything seems a little duller, colors, light, everything. Okay, not everything. There seems to be this big gaping hole where my heart used to be. I wonder, can a person live without a heart? I think I'm the Tin Man all over again. Rusty joints and all! Even my lame attempts at humor are falling short. I guess I need to search for a silver lining in this dark cloud. I'm not really good at finding those. Let's see, what could be good about this? Well, I won't have to worry about the crappy school systems. Or paying for college. And if I want to travel (yeah, like I could ever afford that!), I can. Um, yeah. Somehow, that doesn't make me feel better. No dirty diapers or 2 a.m. feedings. Not that that would have mattered because I'm usually waking up about that time any way. Oh yeah, no stepping on Legos or Hot Wheels at 4 in the morning. That's gotta be a perk, right? I think I'm a mom without a child. If I were Catholic, I think I'd be looking into a nunnery right about now. Though I probably wouldn't be accepted because no matter how hard I try, I've been cussing God out big time this weekend. Well, I'm going to keep digging for that silver lining. Until then, I think I'm going to go bury my face in kitty fur and force the Kitty of Doom into some snuggles.