I miss you, Mom

One year ago, we took my mom off of life support after the doctors determined that her heart attack the day before caused her to be brain dead. I made it to Florida in time to take her off and to spend a bit of time with her the night before, when we thought there might still be some hope left. It was a nice quiet time that I had with her alone. I got to tell her so many things that I had never been able to say before. I don't know whether she "heard" me, but I believe that there was still a part of her there in that room even though her body was only alive via machines. Because I've never really had a chance to release my thoughts to anyone, I'm going to do it here in the hope that 1) her spirit will hear it and 2) that I can get out those things that I have to say, even though I don't know whether any one is listening. Brief warning, this will probably be a long one.

First, a quick but heartfelt thank you to the ICU nurses that took care of mom. Even though you had never met her, you both treated my family with love and compassion. It wasn't just a "job" to you, you didn't just come in and check the machines and settings. Both nurses took that extra moment to see if we needed anything, had questions, etc. When the time came to take mom off of the machines, you stayed in the room, squeezing dad's hand and giving support. I saw you cry along with our family. You gave us reassuring hugs, passed tissues, and offered words of sympathy. Thank you for being a beautiful human being.

And another thank you to the ER doctor who worked so hard to save mom. You went above and beyond. You did everything in your power, in your training and education, to bring her back to us. You came up to check on her in ICU on your break even though she wasn't your patient any longer. You took my sister and I aside to check to see how our dad was holding up. That meant the world to me and I will never forget that you cared.

And a last one to the people that I ran into in my mad dash to get to my mom's side. From the person at the counter of the airline, the lady that let me "cut" in line ahead of her, security personnel, and that sweet angel that I sat next to on the plane. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to say good bye. Your willingness to help a stranger touched my heart. It may not have been anything big to you, but it was huge to me. Thank you.

Now, to my mom. I miss you so much. I still can't believe that you aren't here with us any more. Every time I call dad, I expect to hear you pick up the phone. I know that you won't, but I keep hoping. It is still so fresh and raw. You were the best mother that a girl could have. I know you weren't perfect; you made mistakes, but I always felt loved. I know that I wasn't the best daughter in the world, but you made me feel like I was. I know that there were plenty of times that you didn't like me very much. I can't say that I blame you there. There were plenty of times when I was pretty darned awful. But through it all, you were always there for me, no matter what incredibly dumb thing I did. I've been trying to live up to your example, but I'm not doing a great job of it. I feel like every time I do something kind, it comes back and bites me. I am going to keep trying though. Not to gain anything, unless causing someone to smile or do something nice for someone else is a gain. Maybe someday it will all come back to me and I'll get a shot at something wonderful. I think that I've already messed that up though. I was given the most amazing parents in the world, but I never told you how much I love you while you were on earth. Maybe now that you're in heaven or paradise or whatever you want to call it you'll be able to feel how much I love you and how much I appreciated everything that you gave me, every lesson, every hug. And I hope that you can forgive me for not being a better person than I am. I keep trying to be a better human being. I try to help when I can. I try to spread a bit of happiness and love, even just a smile, where ever I go. It isn't easy, especially on days like today when I feel so empty and sad. But I keep trying, and because of your love, I will never stop. I wish that I could have been successful and had a great marriage and beautiful kids for you to spoil. I didn't succeed in that, and I am sorry. You were the best grandmother in the world. I'm still trying to find that love like you and dad had. I've only managed to find half of it though. But that's a start. I refuse to be negative today, especially when I am remembering the most amazing woman that I ever could know. Sure, you weren't internationally famous. You didn't rescue starving children or whatever. Some might say that your life was just ordinary. I disagree with that. I know bits and pieces of what you overcame. You never talked about your youth much, so I don't know all of it. But I know that the life you made with dad was a testament to your extraordinariness. I know, I probably just made up a word. The thing is, you are my mom. Not just a mother. Any one can be a mother. You were a mom. Huge difference. Sometimes friend, sometimes teacher, sometimes judge, sometimes prison guard. You wore so many hats with beauty and dignity. You taught me so much. To your dying moment, I learned from you. I still am actually. I always will. It makes me wish even more that I had someone to pass on your wisdom to. Maybe I can share it with your grandchildren, my niece and nephew. I don't think I'll be lucky enough to give you any.

Mom, I have to stop here. Forgive me, there's more that I wish I could say. I hope you can read my heart now that you're free of earthly bonds because I don't know the words to tell you how loved you are.

It's been a while

It's been a long time since I've bothered to sit down and write anything. I guess that I just haven't had anything to say. Or maybe I've just kept everything bottled up for so long and now I just have to get it out. This is definitely better than putting myself on a ton of meds or biting someone's head off.

During this latest job hunt, I've realized that I don't have any friends left. Sure, I have acquainances, but no real friends any more. I don't know when or how that happened, but I've been trying to come up with three personal references and I can't seem to. I knew that I was a bit of a hermit, but I didn't think that I had cut myself off from everything. I know I've been wrapped up with Brian, but that is even pretty pointless, it seems. It's hard for me to understand how someone who claims they want to make a life with you can still text old girlfriends telling them how much they help him, etc. Mind you, I'm not allowed to be friends with any one that I've ever dated. Am I out of line in thinking that distance doesn't make any difference, that this is still a form of betrayal? I know that he hasn't slept with anyone or "cheated" that way, but I still see this as a form of cheating. Especially when she sends him risque (not nude) photos of herself that he keeps on his bloody phone. I'm not blaming the woman; I doubt that he's ever mentioned that I'm his "girlfriend". I can't blame her if she doesn't know. But he does and he still saves the picture (it's her contact picture no less!) and texts her. I'd guess that they talk on the phone, but I don't know for sure. I know he's done it many times before, although he won't admit it. I've seen the pictures, I've read the texts (I know, shame on me :( ). I feel guilty for that part because it is breaking a trust. But then, I think that I have a right to know. And even after breaking down and bawling my eyes out, he reassures me that it's only me, blah blah blah. But the old signs are back; the irrational anger and intent to pick a fight. The sudden need to take his phone everywhere all the time -- even to the bathroom. I just give up. I don't know what to do any more. I love him dearly, but I deserve better than this. Part of me wants to just tell him to go and get on with it. Part of me wants to clear out my few things at his place, give back the key, and walk away. And part of me just feels hopelessly lost. I admit, part of me even wants to call up an ex or two and see if they're single. I won't do the last part; that's just an angry retalitory reaction and I'd only be hurting myself in the end. But really, is it so wrong to want to matter to someone in some way? When even the man that claims to love me won't listen or respect my feelings, how can any one else? Gah! I just don't know any more. Maybe there really is something horribly wrong with me that causes me to just mess everything up. I wish I could figure out what it is so that I can fix it. Or try to.

Okay, I think that's enough ranting for now. If I don't end now, I'll have pages and pages of rehash. Thanks for listening non-existent readers!