I'm bored

It's another Monday. Woohoo. It was a pretty nice weekend, even though we didn't do anything really. Maybe that's what made it nice. We watched some movies, played on the computers and talked. Real conversations too! It was amazing! We had a good laugh yesterday because of the cat. As we were watching dinner Boyfriend pops on Animal Planet where they're doing a special about "Super Cats of the Kalahari". So mini-tiger (our kitty-because he thinks he's a real tiger) plops down in front of the television and is just wrapped in the action. Surprisingly, he didn't hop on the tv. That's what he normally does when Boyfriend isn't home and something like that comes on. He perches himself on top and paws at any "prey" he thinks is worthy of his time. Apparently, he's a big fan of antelopes and gemsbok. Too bad he's stuck with cat food for now.

But happy times are around the corner...

Okay, so I couldn't resist leaving the last post like I did. I tried to behave, but any one who knows me knows that that's pretty impossible. So any way, I managed to get in touch with the "local" chapter of the NEAA (Norwegian Elkhound Association of America). I've been communicating with one of the members, and have been "invited" to attend one of their upcoming events. Unfortunately, that isn't until May. Because of the unpredictability of the weather here in the winter, and because their members are scattered all over the area, they don't do much in the winter. But she's added me to their email list and has offered to send me copies of their newsletter. She's been really helpful in answering my questions, so I'm just so excited! The group does maintain a listing of breeders in the area that are in good standing. They can't really make a recommendation because of the liability involved, which makes sense, but I think with a list of breeders in good standing that the "field" will be narrowed down enough to find the right breeder for me. I'm just so giddy to finally be able to make contact with a group that loves this breed as much as I do. I've only met a few people who had experience with Elkhounds, so this is very informative for me. Nothing will ever replace my sweet little one that is with her daddy in Alaska, but I now have hope that someday I can find another sweet pup to give my love to.

Bad Ego Week

Have you ever had one of those days, or weeks, where goofy weird things happen that just make you wonder? The last two days have been rough on my ego. I'm sure that it's all just crazy coincidence, but wow! what freaky things! First, I head over to Mafia wife's place for Thanksgiving and have a great time. Great food, great friends, what more could you ask for? I spent the night there so that we could hit up the Black Friday sales in the wee hours of the morning. Everything went great, and we had a great time. We head back to her house, nap, then hang out and talk for a bit before I head home. Pretty normal, right? While we're sitting there chatting, the chair I'm sitting on collapses! I'm thinking great, that makes me feel wonderful! So I head home, watch some movies with my boyfriend, and we head to bed. He hops into bed while I'm still brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. Then I hop into bed, lean over to kiss him good night, and the bed frame lets out this hellacious "CRACK!" Yep, the side of the bed frame pops off the rest of the frame. Luckily, there's no real damage but it takes a bit to get it all re-attached. Now I'm scared to even touch anything! We get up in the morning and just kind of hang out. He makes me this fantastic dinner, and after watching a movie, decides that we're going to have some ice cream for dessert. Yay! Ben & Jerry's "Everything but the..."! I take like 2 bites, and my spoon breaks in half! So, I'm afraid to even touch anything any more. I told him I couldn't kiss him any more because I might break him. I mean, how freaky is this? I'm afraid that I won't even be able to finish writing out this post because typing will probably break my compute...

Good news...and bad

After all the pain in the butt trouble my tires have been giving me with the slow leaks, I was finally able to get into the local tire center and have them checked out. Well, good news! My tires are just fine. They're not brand spanking new, but they've got a good chunk of their life left in them. YAY! But the bad news, and the reason for the slow leaks, is that the rims are basically shot. From what I've read, it's pretty common with Cadillacs, my model in particular. So I get to buy all new rims. Joy. Oh well, it still ended up cheaper than having to replace the actual tires, so I guess I should be happy with that. They didn't have them at the store I was at, but they had them at one of the other branches, so they're having them shipped over and they should have them today. Tomorrow at the latest. At least that's one less worry!

Job update: Well, not much of an update, but the last few days there has been a bunch of new postings that I'm actually qualified for! So I've been putting out resumes like mad, and hopefully something will come of it. The nice thing is, these actually sound like real jobs. And if you've job hunted recently, you know what I mean. If I had a nickel for every "job" that wants me to be their "agent" and deposit funds, etc. for them, I'd be filthy rich. Maybe some of these places are legit, but I really don't feel comfortable with the whole idea. Yeah, I'm paranoid about this sort of thing! Crazy, I know, but then, no one ever said I was sane.

And on a totally different subject, I didn't post anything yesterday, but I did do a lot of thinking about random things. When you're home alone all day, it's amazing what sort of crazy subjects pop into your head! But yesterday I was thinking about Karma. Some folks believe in it, some don't. And it doesn't really matter what you want to call it, it all amounts to the same thing: you get what you give. It made me analyze all the yucky stuff in my life, and I have to say, I think part of my problem is that I'm not thankful enough for what I do have, and I don't give back enough to the community. Sure, I can't say that I can afford to make a huge donation to one of the charities. But since I'm not working, there really isn't any reason that I can't volunteer somewhere. No, I don't think that this would solve all of my problems. But I think it would do me a world of good. Being able to interact with people, being able to give a little bit of myself to help someone else, I think that would be so helpful. The hard part is finding something that I feel passionately about that happens to need some help. I'd like to see if the local humane society needs volunteers. I can't really foster any animals (which sucks), but maybe there's something else I can do. I'm still trying to think of things that I feel strongly about, so any ideas are welcome!

Another day in Paradise

Hmm, the title sounds like something from a Jimmy Buffett song. I hope that I didn't plagiarize! Well, it's just another day. Same old stuff. I've got a lot of soul searching to do this week, so any one who reads this might be stuck with a lot of frustrated ranting. Sorry about that, but the only reason I'm really writing any of this is to sort things out in my head. You all are just unlikely, unsuspecting victims!

I went to visit my extended family for a bit yesterday. Technically, they're not blood relatives, but they're sooooo much better. They're the family that I chose. Some folks would say they're just friends, but I can guarantee you that the love I have for them is so much deeper than friendship. And we all know how important and special friendship is! They made me an amazing offer, and I've got to figure out whether or not it'll be right for me. Or rather, whether it's in my best interest (and theirs). They offered to let me stay with them for a few months or so in order for me to get my butt in gear and get back to school/find a decent job/etc. I'd still be able to see my man whenever we both have time off, but I would be out of the crossfire with him and his ex-wife. There are a lot of advantages to this proposal. He'd have lots of time with his kids without me nagging at him to spend time with me. His kids would have some time to adjust to their changing family. I'd get to spend more time with my extended family and get to know my "God Nephews" (Yes, I know there's no such thing. But since their not blood relatives but chosen, I think of them as my "God Nephews", you don't like it, tough.). Financially, it's an attractive offer because there's not a chance in hell that I'd ever find a cheaper place. And if I did, it'd be pretty nasty, I'm sure. So why do I have to think about it? Good question, and I'm not sure that I know the answer.

I can't really continue to stay with the boyfriend. It's becoming really hard on him, which is understandable. On the one hand, he wants me here with him, on the other he wants to be with his kids. Makes sense. But one of his kids refuses to come over if I'm here. He says he's uncomfortable. I can't imagine how bad this makes the boyfriend feel. Granted, it doesn't make me feel all that warm and fuzzy either. So moving out is something that I am really going to need to do. Especially if I ever get a darned job.

The job hunt isn't going well. I'm not sure if I'm just being too picky about where I'm putting in resumes or what. Maybe my resume and cover letters totally suck. Who knows! I know I need to find some crappy job that'll just get money flowing, but it's really difficult for me to swallow that last bit of pride and do it. It seems like I've given up everything else though, so I can't say I have any thing else to lose. Indeed.

So, I need a job and I need a place to live. Looks like those are the top priority. The question is, do I keep hoping for something to pop for me here in my hometown, or do I go to a new city where I have loved ones and hope for the best there? If I move, am I giving up that last dream that I had for my life? I dunno. It's what I have to figure out, isn't it?

On a different note, as I was sitting here typing this, 2 deer appeared just outside. They were just wandering about, nibbling on the trees and stuff. I tried to snap some pics of them, but my camera isn't the greatest and I was taking the picture through the window. I didn't want to try and get out on the balcony. I was afraid of scaring them away. They were just so peaceful. It felt so good to just be still and watch such a gentle and docile animal. It brought a little bit of much needed serenity into my heart. Thanks Mother Nature.

The Chat

Finally had the opportunity to have "the chat" with the boyfriend. His kids are having trouble getting used to me because they see me as "The Woman Dad left Mom for". Even though that isn't exactly true, that's what they think. The oldest will probably never come around. It's doubtful that he'll ever do more than the most basic of small talk with me. He's quite the mama's boy. Actually, from what I've seen and heard, it wouldn't surprise me if he ended up on a Freudian psychoanalyst's couch recounting how he wanted to be intimate with his mother someday. It's a horrible thing to say, but it's how I feel. There was a news story recently where a teen was arrested for raping his mother. When I read it, I couldn't help thinking of the oldest. Now, I don't think he'd ever do anything like that to any one, but that was my first thought. But I digress. The youngest and only girl doesn't seem to have any real problems with me. She actually talks to me and tells me stories. Maybe it's because she's very much a daddy's girl (but then, most little girls are, aren't they?). Maybe it's because she's young and adjusts easier. Maybe it's because she's just a friendly girl. I don't know, but I'll take what I can get.

The real problem is his middle child. I don't know what all is going on because the boyfriend (I really need to name him...) doesn't tell me all the details. He says he's uncomfortable around me and doesn't think that I want him around. I guess that when I bought them food and games and tried to find entertaining things to do for them was just horrible. I'm an ogre. Every time I say anything he tries to refute it. Granted, he doesn't have a clue about everything since he's only 11. But he refuses to believe that I might actually know something. I'm not sure what happened, but it seems to have started from when I made the youngest two behave while they were in my car. They were kicking, punching, yelling at each other and I told them that if they wanted to do that they had to get out of the car. Sorry but, I really don't want my car trashed. So he refuses to come over if I'm here. And really, where else would I be? I mean, this is supposed to be my home, etc.

It looks like the "solution" is for me to start leaving again on the weekends the kids are supposed to be here. Yay. That's convenient and easy on the pocketbook. At least until I can find an apartment or something of my own. Which again, is going to be so wonderful on my finances. Or rather, lack thereof. The job hunt isn't going very well. It looks like this week I need to hit the stores and start throwing out apps. I keep putting it off in the hopes of getting a "normal" job, but it doesn't look like that'll happen. So, I get to swallow any pride I might have left and go back to the jobs I had when I was in my teens and twenties. Don't get me wrong, those aren't bad jobs or anything. I guess I could compare it to seeing Donald Trump working at McDonald's. You know, you work hard to get to a certain place in your life, and then have to start over again. Man, it sounds like I'm dogging out retail. Maybe I really am an ogre! And a snobby one at that!

To be or not to be...

Ah, a nice ol' Shakespearian line to title another rant. Not much of a rant today, partly because I've been ignoring this thing and partly because I'm just so empty right now. Halloween came and went, and what is traditionally my favorite holiday was spent sitting at home with the cat while my "boyfriend" is out trick or treating with his kids and ex-wife. But it doesn't stop there!!! After trick or treating they all went over to his parents house for a nice cozy family dinner! *sigh* You know, I don't begrudge them doing the trick or treating thing. Though I don't have kids, I know that I would NOT want to miss out on that. And I know that since the divorce is just recently final it's way too soon to start trying to horn in on all of the "family" crap. But, I don't think it's appropriate that the ex-wife is invited to all of these functions. Maybe if the situation were different. But knowing that any event that she's invited to I'm not going to be able to take part in because of her animosity toward me doesn't leave me much hope for integrating myself into this family eventually. I tried and tried and tried to talk to him about this, but he absolutely refused to acknowledge my feelings. So we fought. And fought. And I told him that since he didn't want me to be any part of his "family" that I was fine with that. I really don't want to be a part of any type of unit that doesn't want me. Really folks, I can find much easier ways to humiliate myself. We've hardly spoken the last few days. Mainly because I'm always the one trying to get him to talk to me, and I figure if he wants me to know, he'll tell me. No need to do more than the basic small talk.

So this morning I'm getting my coffee, sitting down to check the news (gotta make sure the world didn't end last night, ya know) and he pops in before he left for work asking me if I'd be here this weekend so he can make plans with his kids. I'm like, "Wha?!?" This is totally out of the blue. There was never any mention of me having to leave what he claims is now my home...Maybe there was and I just didn't get that memo. I'm pretty much out of the loop any way. So, judging by the way things have went progressively in the toilet, I'm thinking that I'm not wanted here at all any more. Funny, I really don't have any where to go. Sure, I have a friend who would put me up, but her family has done sooooooooooo much for me already. They've inconvienced themselves way too often for my liking. Frankly, I can't take advantage of a friend like that. They're way too few and far between. I'm pretty sure I'm going to take her advice though and start job hunting up there. I mean, I can't do any worse than I'm doing here, right? And when I find something, see if she'll help me find a little place of my own. Hopefully I won't have to crash on her sofa.

Though it feels good to "document" how I feel at the moment, I notice it's all pretty "matter-of-fact". Truth is, I just want to call up my loved ones, say goodbye, and crawl into a hole and die. I'm not sure what I keep doing wrong, but I really need to figure it out. Since it's my life, I seem to be the only thing that's consistent, therefore, there's something that I'm doing or not doing, or thinking or whatever that's just not cutting it. I'd like to think I've got a few good things going for me, but being horribly depressed at the moment, I can't actually think of any. Damn, what I wouldn't give for insurance that'd pay for a really good psychiatrist. Maybe just a mental institution. Ooh! I thought of something good! No matter how low I've sunk (and it's pretty low right now), I haven't become addicted to any sort of illegal substance. Cigarettes, yeah, but they shouldn't kill me today. Though at the moment, I'm not sure that's such a great thing. Gods, I really don't know what to do next. They say (who are they? Those bastards know everything!) that when one door closes, another one opens. I feel this one slamming shut on my fingers, but I haven't seen anything open yet. Keep your fingers crossed that I can find it.

Thanks for listening to me ramble!