Ah, a nice ol' Shakespearian line to title another rant. Not much of a rant today, partly because I've been ignoring this thing and partly because I'm just so empty right now. Halloween came and went, and what is traditionally my favorite holiday was spent sitting at home with the cat while my "boyfriend" is out trick or treating with his kids and ex-wife. But it doesn't stop there!!! After trick or treating they all went over to his parents house for a nice cozy family dinner! *sigh* You know, I don't begrudge them doing the trick or treating thing. Though I don't have kids, I know that I would NOT want to miss out on that. And I know that since the divorce is just recently final it's way too soon to start trying to horn in on all of the "family" crap. But, I don't think it's appropriate that the ex-wife is invited to all of these functions. Maybe if the situation were different. But knowing that any event that she's invited to I'm not going to be able to take part in because of her animosity toward me doesn't leave me much hope for integrating myself into this family eventually. I tried and tried and tried to talk to him about this, but he absolutely refused to acknowledge my feelings. So we fought. And fought. And I told him that since he didn't want me to be any part of his "family" that I was fine with that. I really don't want to be a part of any type of unit that doesn't want me. Really folks, I can find much easier ways to humiliate myself. We've hardly spoken the last few days. Mainly because I'm always the one trying to get him to talk to me, and I figure if he wants me to know, he'll tell me. No need to do more than the basic small talk.
So this morning I'm getting my coffee, sitting down to check the news (gotta make sure the world didn't end last night, ya know) and he pops in before he left for work asking me if I'd be here this weekend so he can make plans with his kids. I'm like, "Wha?!?" This is totally out of the blue. There was never any mention of me having to leave what he claims is now my home...Maybe there was and I just didn't get that memo. I'm pretty much out of the loop any way. So, judging by the way things have went progressively in the toilet, I'm thinking that I'm not wanted here at all any more. Funny, I really don't have any where to go. Sure, I have a friend who would put me up, but her family has done sooooooooooo much for me already. They've inconvienced themselves way too often for my liking. Frankly, I can't take advantage of a friend like that. They're way too few and far between. I'm pretty sure I'm going to take her advice though and start job hunting up there. I mean, I can't do any worse than I'm doing here, right? And when I find something, see if she'll help me find a little place of my own. Hopefully I won't have to crash on her sofa.
Though it feels good to "document" how I feel at the moment, I notice it's all pretty "matter-of-fact". Truth is, I just want to call up my loved ones, say goodbye, and crawl into a hole and die. I'm not sure what I keep doing wrong, but I really need to figure it out. Since it's my life, I seem to be the only thing that's consistent, therefore, there's something that I'm doing or not doing, or thinking or whatever that's just not cutting it. I'd like to think I've got a few good things going for me, but being horribly depressed at the moment, I can't actually think of any. Damn, what I wouldn't give for insurance that'd pay for a really good psychiatrist. Maybe just a mental institution. Ooh! I thought of something good! No matter how low I've sunk (and it's pretty low right now), I haven't become addicted to any sort of illegal substance. Cigarettes, yeah, but they shouldn't kill me today. Though at the moment, I'm not sure that's such a great thing. Gods, I really don't know what to do next. They say (who are they? Those bastards know everything!) that when one door closes, another one opens. I feel this one slamming shut on my fingers, but I haven't seen anything open yet. Keep your fingers crossed that I can find it.
Thanks for listening to me ramble!
1 comment:
WE are you door and tho I know we had this talk last nite, you are NEVER an inconvenience to be here, nor would you be if we put you up for a while to get you on your feet while you settle into a job around here! Don't even think for a minute that we wouldn't want you here, because we would never have offered if we didn't mean it or weren't sincere about it.
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