Ramble ramble

It seems I've been slacking this last week with the posting. I was doing so well too! But then, it's easy to jot down ideas when there is stuff going on. This week the weather has been crappy, my back and joints have been staging a revolt, and all-in-all, I really haven't wanted to do much of anything besides nap. I really hate it when I get like this.

I found out this week that my ol' man gets his kids for Memorial Day weekend. It's not normally his weekend, so that will mean three weekends in a row that I have to find somewhere to vacate to. I'm actually thinking about taking my parents up on their offer to go down to Florida for a visit. I hate to do it only because they'll insist on paying for the airfare and any dinners out. I appreciate it so much that they want to do this for me, but it just makes me feel rather slimy. I mean, jeesh, they're retired, they aren't fabulously wealthy, they've raised their kids already, why on earth do they have to support me for a week? But on the other hand, it'd be a chance to see my parents for a while. And probably my sister. And my niece, whom I've met once, three years ago. And to meet my nephew for the first time, and he's almost three! I'm a horrible aunt.

Of course, this brings up all of those really selfish thoughts as well. Every time I have to pack up and head out of here, I get a little bit more resentful of his kids. It's not really fair to them that I feel this way, but it's how I feel. I know that my "anger" is misplaced. I just keep trying to come to terms with it. I mean, it's not really their fault that they want to spend time with their dad. I can't blame them for that, can I? Though I do blame him for not standing up for me. I think he should explain to them that he loves me and that he wants me to be a part of his life from here on out. But he doesn't do that. And of course, with my paranoia, you can just imagine what thoughts that puts into my head. I mean, he tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I can't say that I've seen any evidence to that fact, so is he lying to himself and to me? I wish I knew. We even had our "discussion" about having a family again. The most that I can get out of him is that we will have a family "when we're more stable." What does that mean? Financially stable? Emotionally stable? That won't ever happen! And I'll be damned if I have to wait until his kids give their "approval" of us having children! But I fear that's exactly what he means. I think that I've waited long enough, and I think that I'm not asking for the world when I ask for the "when" of it. I mean, give me a time line of sorts. Three years? Five years? Give me something more than an abstract idea that you don't actually define. I'm very much afraid that this is his unconscious way of delaying it to the point where it's impossible. I'm not being fair, I'm sure, but that's how I feel. I've waited for sooooo long, and this is something that I've always wanted, and yet, it's still so far out of my grasp. I never thought that my dreams were that unattainable. Gods, sometimes I just wish that I could scream! Instead, I just cry until there aren't any more tears and wonder how on earth I could have let my life go the way it has. And times like this, I have to wonder why I ever left Alaska. Yep, hated it there. But at least I had a shot at those dreams. Even had taken steps towards fulfilling them. Oy vey, sometimes I think that I wasn't made to live in this world. None of it makes any sense to me.

And with that, I think I've rambled enough. Which you can actually read as: If I don't stop typing right this instant, I'm either going to weep uncontrollably, or toss the computer out the window. Laterz dudez!