Decision made

It's taken a little over a year, but I've finally made the decision to inflict myself on Mafia Wife, Bobby and children full time. Pray for them. Tim's middle kid decided that he would not come over on Tim's weekends any more because I still live here with Tim. He feels that Tim has lied to him because somewhere down the line Tim and his ex-wife (JoAnn) planned that I would move out when I got a job. Well, I haven't found a job yet, and that plan was not my plan. That's the problem with making plans that concern someone else; they may not go along with it. When I first heard about that plan, I told Tim in no uncertain terms what a very bad idea that was. But now I'm an even bigger bad guy because his kids don't want to spend time with him if I live here. Granted, they haven't even seen me in more than a year. I guess seeing my stuff is too much for them to handle. I wonder how much they'll holler when they realize that much of the stuff that's here that they use and enjoy is mine and will be going with me...Oy, shouldn't think those kinds of vindictive thoughts. I mean, it's not the kids' fault that they feel the way they do. Perhaps if their parents had had a little bit of discretion things would have worked out differently. But alas, we'll never know now.

So I feel pretty shitty. I've been fighting and working for this relationship for many many many years, and I feel like this has pretty much signed it's death warrant. Though I'll only be about an hour away, it's not easy trying to maintain a relationship that way. And, though I have no qualifications in determining children's behavior, I think that they will continue to make ridiculous demands on their dad. Like I said, I'm not qualified to figure out kids will act, so I could (and probably--hopefully--am) be way off base. But I know when I was a kid, if I did something and it resulted in getting what I wanted or getting things done the way that I wanted, I kept doing it. And when it started failing, I'd step it up a notch. And so on, and so forth. By letting the kids decide who lives where and who he dates, etc. I think Tim has really painted himself into a corner. I don't think that the kids will ever allow him and I to be happy and if they finally "allow" us to be together, I think they will do everything in their power to try and make us miserable. I'm probably way off base, but that's my gut feeling.

So on top of feeling shitty, I feel like I haven't ever made a good decision in my life. Luckily, there is some evidence to disprove this. At least a little bit. I was smart enough (though maybe the credit shouldn't be entirely be given to me) to pick the right kind of friends. I may not have a whole slew of peeps that I can hang out with, but the ones I've got would give me the shirt off their backs. Or in this case, a place to live while I get back on my feet. How bloody lucky is that? I mean, how many people can honestly say that they've got people who'll not only be there through the good and bad, but that'll prop them up and keep them going every step in between? I'm pretty damned lucky. That's probably the biggest understatement of the century. So I gotta get my arse in gear, get a job (hopefully a halfway decent one), and get out of their place before I drive them up a wall. I can't even tell you how mixed my feelings are right now. I mean, I'm so happy and so proud to have such wonderful friends, but I am soooooooooooooo worried that I'm going to do something that'll screw it all up. No matter what, I had better not let that happen.

And on yet another note, I feel kind of guilty because I've been having incredibly horrible, evil thoughts. I mean, really evil, at least for me. If you know me at all, you probably know that I am too nice most of the time. Apparently I have a very vindictive streak though. JoAnn (Tim's ex-wife in case you've forgotten) had to go in for a colonoscopy today, and I've been hoping all freaking day that the doctor slips with his probe. Though maybe we'll all get really lucky and the doctor will find her head up there. I can think of a lot more stuff she can shove up there that rotten, horrid person. See? even when I'm being mean and bitchy I'm still "nice". No wonder I'm so messed up.

Okay, off to see what else I can get packed up. Oh crap, I need more boxes. Grr, I don't wanna go to the store...