Oh what a night!

Well, we had a lovely evening out for Tim's birthday. We went out and had a nice dinner, and driving home were treated to an amazing full moon. Of course, I didn't have my camera with me, and by the time we got home, I was too tired to go running around trying to get a view of it. Actually, I was fighting with a nasty, nasty bout of nausea all day, and I got to spend the later part of the evening with my dear friend "John". Yep, I gave a nice offering (my nice dinner, natch) up to the porcelain god. So now I'm stuck with a raging headache, and a nice red eye from the strain. Gotta hate that. But it was a nice evening, and it felt so good to do something nice with and for Tim.

File under: "Lucy, you (might) have some 'splaining to do"
Unfortunately, yesterday wasn't my first bout of this lovely nausea. In fact, it's been going on for a while now. And I know your first thought, "OMG, are you preggers?" Well, it was my first thought too. Especially considering other, um, visitors who have failed to make an appearance quite yet. Truth is, that's something I've been hoping for for soooooo long, that I'm afraid to even think about it. To say the least, if I were, it would be really really really bad timing. But then, when isn't it? As for the explaining, well, someone would have to explain a LOT of things to me! I mean, the doctors have said that it's a mighty small chance that I can ever get pregnant. Not to say that I can't, but it's a very big long shot. And to top it off, Tim has had a vasectomy, so (though I know that's not 100% effective), that would put the odds of us getting pregnant somewhere in the "Not Bloody Likely" category. Unless you can get pregnant from dreams. Then Criss Angel is going to have to cough up some serious child support. *Sigh* It was one helluva dream, but it was just a dream! So now I'm trying to figure it out. The "symptoms" could be explained in a number of different ways from something as normal as stress to menopause to major medical conditions. Now, I don't think it's menopause, I think (hope) that I'm too young, but it's hard to base it off of the women in my family since I'm the only one that hasn't had kids. Not to mention that I really don't want it to be that because then even that miniscule chance is ripped away from me. I hope it's nothing major, for obvious reasons. It could easily be stress because I do put myself in some very screwed up situations. So now I'm trying to figure out whether I should invest in one of those lovely tests. On the one hand, I'd have a better idea of things. On the other, well, when it comes up negative, it's hard to convince yourself that you weren't hoping it came out positive. Maybe I'll just go rip a branch off a tree and pee on it. I mean, if it turns blue, I'll know, right? Yeah yeah, that ain't gonna work. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. I know I need to find out, but I don't know if I can handle seeing the test come up negative. Silly, I know. But I've been hoping, praying, and trying for more years than I care to count. I pretend to have the "whatever will be, will be" attitude, but I'm not really that good of an actress. I've already talked to Tim about it (and was terribly relieved when he didn't accuse me of sleeping around-haha), and he's cool with the idea, however, he's obviously worried about how all this would pan out. Hell, if his kids won't come over because I live here (and I haven't seen hide nor hair of them in a year), imagine if there were another child involved. And you can damned well better believe that I wouldn't be carting my kid all over hell and back just so that they could come over for the weekend. That's just ridiculous. Oy vey, wouldn't that be a fine kettle of fish? Oh god, what to do, what to do? If anyone is still reading this long raving post, and you've got any advice, I'm more than happy to hear it. I know, one step at a time. I guess I'd better work up the courage to buy a test, huh?