Monday, November 06, 2006

Another day in Paradise

Hmm, the title sounds like something from a Jimmy Buffett song. I hope that I didn't plagiarize! Well, it's just another day. Same old stuff. I've got a lot of soul searching to do this week, so any one who reads this might be stuck with a lot of frustrated ranting. Sorry about that, but the only reason I'm really writing any of this is to sort things out in my head. You all are just unlikely, unsuspecting victims!

I went to visit my extended family for a bit yesterday. Technically, they're not blood relatives, but they're sooooo much better. They're the family that I chose. Some folks would say they're just friends, but I can guarantee you that the love I have for them is so much deeper than friendship. And we all know how important and special friendship is! They made me an amazing offer, and I've got to figure out whether or not it'll be right for me. Or rather, whether it's in my best interest (and theirs). They offered to let me stay with them for a few months or so in order for me to get my butt in gear and get back to school/find a decent job/etc. I'd still be able to see my man whenever we both have time off, but I would be out of the crossfire with him and his ex-wife. There are a lot of advantages to this proposal. He'd have lots of time with his kids without me nagging at him to spend time with me. His kids would have some time to adjust to their changing family. I'd get to spend more time with my extended family and get to know my "God Nephews" (Yes, I know there's no such thing. But since their not blood relatives but chosen, I think of them as my "God Nephews", you don't like it, tough.). Financially, it's an attractive offer because there's not a chance in hell that I'd ever find a cheaper place. And if I did, it'd be pretty nasty, I'm sure. So why do I have to think about it? Good question, and I'm not sure that I know the answer.

I can't really continue to stay with the boyfriend. It's becoming really hard on him, which is understandable. On the one hand, he wants me here with him, on the other he wants to be with his kids. Makes sense. But one of his kids refuses to come over if I'm here. He says he's uncomfortable. I can't imagine how bad this makes the boyfriend feel. Granted, it doesn't make me feel all that warm and fuzzy either. So moving out is something that I am really going to need to do. Especially if I ever get a darned job.

The job hunt isn't going well. I'm not sure if I'm just being too picky about where I'm putting in resumes or what. Maybe my resume and cover letters totally suck. Who knows! I know I need to find some crappy job that'll just get money flowing, but it's really difficult for me to swallow that last bit of pride and do it. It seems like I've given up everything else though, so I can't say I have any thing else to lose. Indeed.

So, I need a job and I need a place to live. Looks like those are the top priority. The question is, do I keep hoping for something to pop for me here in my hometown, or do I go to a new city where I have loved ones and hope for the best there? If I move, am I giving up that last dream that I had for my life? I dunno. It's what I have to figure out, isn't it?

On a different note, as I was sitting here typing this, 2 deer appeared just outside. They were just wandering about, nibbling on the trees and stuff. I tried to snap some pics of them, but my camera isn't the greatest and I was taking the picture through the window. I didn't want to try and get out on the balcony. I was afraid of scaring them away. They were just so peaceful. It felt so good to just be still and watch such a gentle and docile animal. It brought a little bit of much needed serenity into my heart. Thanks Mother Nature.

2 comments:

Mafia Wife said...

You know, coming here and taking us up on the offer, isn't really giving up on your dreams with him, but rather putting things on the back burner for a while. You won't see him everyday either, but maybe that will be good for now. Give him a chance to be with the kiddies more and time for the kids to realize mom and dad are not getting back together. He certainly can come up here to spend a weekend to visit you too, any time he wants. Not a problem for us, unless you're gonna do that really loud sex stuff... then we might have to sound proof your room! LOL

Melosa said...

Well then, if I say yes, you'd better start soundproofing....Muhaha!