Almost a month

Well, it's been almost a month since I've posted. I've started working at a local mega-store doing a whole lot of stuff. Frankly, I've been pretty darned whipped. It's been too long since I've worked, and even longer since I had a job where I was on my feet all day. To top it off, I work first shift, which sounds really good, in theory. Unfortunately, first shift constitutes 5am Monday through Saturdays, and 4am on Sundays. Except this Sunday which is weird because they're having us come in at 3 in the morning. I can't say that I remember when the last time I stayed up past 9pm was. The only reason I remember the last time I was up past 8 is because Phenomenon was on and I had to get my dose of Criss Angel. Oh yeah! It must have been Tuesday night then that I stayed up past 9 since Mindfreak was on! I'm not really sure it counts though since I had to take a 2 hour nap in order to stay awake long enough to watch it. And by "had to" I mean that I fell asleep and there wasn't a chance in hell that I would be woken up. All in all, it's going pretty well with the job. It's not the greatest job in the world, but at least it's income.

Not a whole lot else going on though. Kitty of Doom is being a little bastard and is going to have to go and stay with his daddy. This breaks my heart since he's my baby and I have trouble falling asleep without his snuggles, but he's been tormenting Mafia Wife's cat to no end. I wish I knew why he was doing it, and I wish I knew how to get him to stop, but he only seems to get totally out of hand when I'm not here (when I'm here, he tends to hang out with me upstairs). So, I made the decision to have him go and stay with Tim for the time being. It tears me up since he's been about the only thing constant in my life for the last year and a half, but it's not fair for him to cause such stress to MW's cat either. Hopefully, it won't be a problem for Tim. It had better not be! I should probably start thinking of alternatives just in case though. It'll be kind of rough for KoD since he's such a mama's boy, but I think the quiet will be more to his liking. Frankly, there's just a lot of stuff going on here all the time what with the boys being normal kids and the dogs and stuff. He's never experienced any of that and he hasn't really adjusted very well from the looks of it. Hopefully, this will be better for everyone concerned. Except maybe for me since I think he's actually my kid. Oh well, suck it up and deal with it, right? My decision, and I have to do what's best for the majority, not necessarily what I want.

Any way, that's my big update. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll try to update again soon, but since nothing really goes on in my life, "soon" might be in another month!

Finally something to write about

Yep, I figured that I finally had something to write about. Why you ask? Because my lazy self finally got a job. Now, it's not one of those "I'm gonna be a millionaire in 6 weeks" kind of jobs. But that's probably pretty good. In fact, this is probably the least money I've made since the mid-1990's. But you know what? It's work. I'm going to be out and about and there's even a chance for advancement, if I do my job well enough. All I know to do is to do the best that I can, and hope that I can continue to do it better. So that's my big exciting news. I'm happy, but I'm not nearly as thrilled as I should be. Probably because I'm still trying to absorb the shock.

I had a nice weekend though. I went down and spend Saturday and Sunday night with Tim, and we had a really nice time. Saturday night we did our fun outing. We go out to different places and do an "Appetizer and Dessert" Night. You know how it is, you go out to a restaurant and even if you're famished, you never have room for the appetizer, dinner, and dessert, so we go out to places we've never been and get appetizers, check out the menu, check out the place, maybe have a drink, and go somewhere else after for either more appetizers or for dessert. It's really a lot of fun. We went to some places that I never would have thought of this weekend. If you've never thought about doing this, I really do recommend it. It's a great way to find different restaurants. I hate trying new restaurants because I'm really picky about food. In fact, I am an anti-vegetarian. I hate veggies. Except broccoli. Smothered with cheese sauce. Though you can hold the broccoli if you want. So doing this, there's no "obligation" to find something on the menu. If the appetizers don't look yummy, you get your soda or your drink and go somewhere else. Tons of fun, especially when you get to talking with the staff of whatever establishment you're in and get their recommendations. So, that was my big weekend. Yep, it doesn't take a whole lot to get me excited!

Hanging out

I'm just sitting here hangin' out wit' my homies...(Do they still say that? I'm sooooo out of touch). Monster Puppy is over on the bed keeping an eye on the shadows. She has to do this or else they might move and come after her, you know. Right now they're staying pretty still, but she won't be fooled. Kitty of Doom is making sure that Mafia Wife's chest (for storing things you pervs) doesn't levitate out of the room. Always a danger. Without these two, I think this house would be overtaken by floating chests and shadow people.

I've got a second interview tomorrow, so hopefully that will go well and I can become a productive member of society once again. Plus it'd be nice to see a few "pluses" in the bank account instead of the "minuses". I know, I'm greedy. That's pretty much all that's going on for me. I don't lead a very exciting life. But my back hurts and I could use a massage. Do you think I can train Kitty of Doom to do this?

For the Mom's out there

I've got nothing real exciting to report, but a friend of mine sent this to me via email and I thought I'd share with you all. Have a good chuckle!


Why God Made Moms
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:


Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between Moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

I feel a little weird today...

So, I thought I'd share this lovely video that I saw on Cute Overload. Gotta love them over there for there pursuit of all things cute and funny. The perfect antidote to a crappy day or a blah kind of day. Enjoy!

Moving's Finished!

Yay! The moving part is pretty much done. At least, all that is absolutely necessary is all moved. I still have some boxes that have been packed since I moved to North Carolina like 4 years ago, but I think I can live without that stuff for a while. When I got here, Mafia Wife had the upstairs all tidied up for me, and Bobby had printed off some poster sized pictures and tacked them up to the wall for me so that I felt more comfy. Well, that and so I can now tell everyone that I get to sleep under Criss Angel every night. :) Now if only I knew some magic of my own to make those pictures come alive! We've got everything pretty much arranged to be functional, but I don't think that my furniture will win any awards. The Kitty of Doom has had some "Soft Claws" installed on his front paws so that he can't destroy or wound too much while he's making the adjustment from a quiet apartment to a busy household. He's getting braver every day and I imagine he'll be ready to seriously face the dogs in a decade or two. It's funny, he's most interested in the one dog that doesn't like cats. Figures. Mainly it's because she really doesn't acknowledge him or pay him any attention. The other two really want to check him out. One wants to snuggle him and the other one is just curious. Monster Puppy is still an enigma to KoD; she's so exhuberant and he's just not sure what to make of it. I do believe that he's figured out that they don't want to eat him. Which, of course, is a plus. Well, that's all for now!

Moving Day

Yep, don't have much time to do anything today. It seems that I've got a million things to do, even though I know I've been doing things for quite some time in preparation for this. Ugh, what a day! A few errands to run, a load of laundry to do, and some packing up to finish up. Hopefully, there's enough hours in the day to do it. I had to take a break from shoving stuff in boxes though. It really got to be too much for me. Here I thought I'd be able to finally unpack soon. You know, packing up my stuff for a move into a house of my own. Well, that's not going to happen. And I feel like my relationship is ending, even though Tim doesn't think so. He's got all these plans to come visit; we'll see if any actually pan out though. I have this gut feeling that as soon as his kids find out that I'm officially gone, he'll be getting a lot more phone calls to go do stuff. And a lot more calls from JoAnn asking him to come over to the house to do some stupid thing or another "because the kids need him." I don't begrudge him time with his kids, but I also know how the ex tends to abuse him in this. And to some extent, it seems like his kids do it too. That's my opinion though, and I try to keep that to myself. Ugh, I need to get in gear and get this shit finished. What a mixed up, confusing kind of day. All in all, I feel like a completely useless POS. Enough about that though. Gotta make the best of it and get things straightened out in my life and head before anything else can work out. So, I'm off! Hope to be able to write again soon!

A Day Late

Yesterday, I had an interview over at WalMart for a CSS position. It seemed to go pretty well, and I had a second interview on the spot. I should find out more sometime near the end of this week, beginning of next. Fingers crossed.

And of course, yesterday was September 11th. A terrifying day in our nation's history, and in the world's. I remember hearing the news when I first got to work that day and someone ran and got a television immediately so we could find out what was going on. I remember watching the news coverage and seeing the second plane slam into the other tower. I remember frantically calling and emailing my sister because I knew that her sister-in-law, Michelle, and Michelle's husband Steve, were flight attendants who normally flew out of Boston. Michelle and Steve are my niece's godparents. I have only met them a handful of times, but they are wonderful people. I was terrified that that was their flights. And it was. Our family was incredibly lucky that day because Michelle and Steve had decided to take a little vacation and were not on the plane that day. Unfortunately, many of their friends, co-workers, acquaintances, were. I remember the plane slamming into the Pentagon. I remember all of the rescue operations and stories from the streets. I remember the frantic search for the other missing plane, only to find it crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. I remember hearing the wife of one of the men on that plane tell the reporters about how her husband called her and told her that they were going to try to take back the plane from the hijackers, and that if he didn't come home, to tell their kids how much he loved them. I remember our entire office in tears, or standing there in stunned silence watching the events unfold. I have so many memories of this day. The terror, the grief, the pride in our police, firefighters, paramedics, etc. I wish I had the words to thank those people for all that they did, and continue to do every day. I wish I had the words to comfort the grieving families and loved ones. But I don't. All that I have are my memories, and the lessons that I learned that day.

"Murphy" is a bastard

Yep, him and his stupid laws. And I can think of a few choice places where he can stuff 'em too. Oy vey.

Here's the latest round of my life always succumbing to these stupid laws. I got a call for an interview, for tomorrow morning. Yep, from an app that I sent in two months ago. Sonuvabitch! And what do you bet that I bloody well nail this interview too? You know it's gonna happen because I'm supposed to be moving this coming weekend. Oh well, if I get the job then at least I won't have to spend a bunch of time job hunting. Of course, I'll have a lovely hour drive to work, but who knows, maybe something can be worked out there as well. That's assuming that I'll get the job. Heck, I'm not even sure what kind of position I'm interviewing for since I applied for like five with this company!

And the frustration continues. I'm telling ya, I'm really getting tired of packing and unpacking things. I still have things packed from when I moved to North Carolina, which was about 4 years ago. On the up side, it'll be like Christmas when I finally get a chance to open up those boxes! But, I was going to talk about my latest irritating frustration. It seems that my idiot boyfriend didn't bother to move the boxes that I had packed up, like he said he would. Oh yeah, so surprised. That in and of itself is no big deal, but since someone went through the boxes that I packed while I was gone this weekend, I'm more than a little peeved. Now I get to rearrange them all over. You know, when I pack a box, there is actually a method to my madness. It may not seem that way to someone else, but when I put certain items into certain boxes, I really do have a reason for doing it that way. So now I get to waste time doing it all over again. And if I happen to find anything missing, I'm going to go ballistic! I really don't think that I will, but if I do...

Happy Labor Day!

To all of you that work out there, I hope you had the day off and get to enjoy some time with friends and family.

As for me, I still feel pretty crappy. Even though I knew that my little test would be negative, there was some small part of me that was hoping that it would be positive. I admit it, all that I've ever wanted was to have a family. To be a mom. I have no illusions that I'd be "the world's best mom" or anything like that, but I know that I would have tried. This latest disappointment feels like that hope, that dream, has finally flew right out the window. What do you do when your fondest dream slips right out from under you? I'm still trying to figure that out. I've spent most of the weekend bawling my eyes out, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm thinking I've got to find something else to take the place of my biggest hope. I just wish that I could curl up and die, to be honest. I know, that wouldn't solve anything. But I just can't seem to get a grip on this. It's like all of my hope is completely gone now. Everything seems a little duller, colors, light, everything. Okay, not everything. There seems to be this big gaping hole where my heart used to be. I wonder, can a person live without a heart? I think I'm the Tin Man all over again. Rusty joints and all! Even my lame attempts at humor are falling short. I guess I need to search for a silver lining in this dark cloud. I'm not really good at finding those. Let's see, what could be good about this? Well, I won't have to worry about the crappy school systems. Or paying for college. And if I want to travel (yeah, like I could ever afford that!), I can. Um, yeah. Somehow, that doesn't make me feel better. No dirty diapers or 2 a.m. feedings. Not that that would have mattered because I'm usually waking up about that time any way. Oh yeah, no stepping on Legos or Hot Wheels at 4 in the morning. That's gotta be a perk, right? I think I'm a mom without a child. If I were Catholic, I think I'd be looking into a nunnery right about now. Though I probably wouldn't be accepted because no matter how hard I try, I've been cussing God out big time this weekend. Well, I'm going to keep digging for that silver lining. Until then, I think I'm going to go bury my face in kitty fur and force the Kitty of Doom into some snuggles.

That would be a negative

So, I took my little test. Got up first thing this morning and peed on the stick and waited a couple minutes to see if it would turn blue. It didn't. So, it's a great big negative that I'm preggers, and Tim can breathe a huge sigh of relief since he didn't seem overly thrilled by the prospect any way. I guess I'd better figure out what's going on. Gah, I can't afford this right now! Okay, I'm feeling pretty yucky and hopeless at the moment, so I'm gonna cut this short. This isn't the week that I get a miracle. =(

10 Years Ago Today...

Ten years ago today, I woke up, got ready, and headed out to work. You know, pretty typical day. I got there and a co-worker who knew me pretty well runs up and hysterically asks, "Are you okay?" I'll be honest, I had no idea why this girl was freaking out and so worried about me. So, I answer and ask why she's so worried, you know, that which seems so normal. The words that came out of her shocked me so badly, and I can remember that moment so clearly it's like it happened yesterday. She said, "Princess Diana is dead." She knew that I am a huge fan of the Royal Family, and of Princess Diana in particular (though I'll confess that when I was a young girl, I was convinced that I would meet and marry Prince Andrew. No idea how that would have ever happened, but I was certain that it would). Today marks the tenth anniversary of her death, and though the pain isn't fresh, it still makes me stop and think. I know that there are still some people out there who believe that there was some sort of conspiracy surrounding her death, but I'm not one of them. Oh sure, I totally understand why someone would want to believe that. I mean, here's this cultural icon, someone who seems so full of life (larger than life in some cases), and suddenly she's gone. I didn't want to believe that someone who had such a profound effect on my life could be taken in such a preventable and all too common occurance as being a victim of a drunk driver. But, that is what happened.

Diana, Princess of Wales, taught me many things. To be empathetic. To try and reach out to those who everyone else seems to have forgotten. That it was okay to have problems and feel lost sometimes. So today, of all days, I think a proper tribute to her would be to perform at least one act of random kindness. Granted, I think that this is something that we should strive to do every day, but for me, the lessons that she taught me, most of which are too indefinable to put into words, today is the perfect day to try even harder. R.I.P. Diana, and know that you are truly missed.

Oh what a night!

Well, we had a lovely evening out for Tim's birthday. We went out and had a nice dinner, and driving home were treated to an amazing full moon. Of course, I didn't have my camera with me, and by the time we got home, I was too tired to go running around trying to get a view of it. Actually, I was fighting with a nasty, nasty bout of nausea all day, and I got to spend the later part of the evening with my dear friend "John". Yep, I gave a nice offering (my nice dinner, natch) up to the porcelain god. So now I'm stuck with a raging headache, and a nice red eye from the strain. Gotta hate that. But it was a nice evening, and it felt so good to do something nice with and for Tim.

File under: "Lucy, you (might) have some 'splaining to do"
Unfortunately, yesterday wasn't my first bout of this lovely nausea. In fact, it's been going on for a while now. And I know your first thought, "OMG, are you preggers?" Well, it was my first thought too. Especially considering other, um, visitors who have failed to make an appearance quite yet. Truth is, that's something I've been hoping for for soooooo long, that I'm afraid to even think about it. To say the least, if I were, it would be really really really bad timing. But then, when isn't it? As for the explaining, well, someone would have to explain a LOT of things to me! I mean, the doctors have said that it's a mighty small chance that I can ever get pregnant. Not to say that I can't, but it's a very big long shot. And to top it off, Tim has had a vasectomy, so (though I know that's not 100% effective), that would put the odds of us getting pregnant somewhere in the "Not Bloody Likely" category. Unless you can get pregnant from dreams. Then Criss Angel is going to have to cough up some serious child support. *Sigh* It was one helluva dream, but it was just a dream! So now I'm trying to figure it out. The "symptoms" could be explained in a number of different ways from something as normal as stress to menopause to major medical conditions. Now, I don't think it's menopause, I think (hope) that I'm too young, but it's hard to base it off of the women in my family since I'm the only one that hasn't had kids. Not to mention that I really don't want it to be that because then even that miniscule chance is ripped away from me. I hope it's nothing major, for obvious reasons. It could easily be stress because I do put myself in some very screwed up situations. So now I'm trying to figure out whether I should invest in one of those lovely tests. On the one hand, I'd have a better idea of things. On the other, well, when it comes up negative, it's hard to convince yourself that you weren't hoping it came out positive. Maybe I'll just go rip a branch off a tree and pee on it. I mean, if it turns blue, I'll know, right? Yeah yeah, that ain't gonna work. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. I know I need to find out, but I don't know if I can handle seeing the test come up negative. Silly, I know. But I've been hoping, praying, and trying for more years than I care to count. I pretend to have the "whatever will be, will be" attitude, but I'm not really that good of an actress. I've already talked to Tim about it (and was terribly relieved when he didn't accuse me of sleeping around-haha), and he's cool with the idea, however, he's obviously worried about how all this would pan out. Hell, if his kids won't come over because I live here (and I haven't seen hide nor hair of them in a year), imagine if there were another child involved. And you can damned well better believe that I wouldn't be carting my kid all over hell and back just so that they could come over for the weekend. That's just ridiculous. Oy vey, wouldn't that be a fine kettle of fish? Oh god, what to do, what to do? If anyone is still reading this long raving post, and you've got any advice, I'm more than happy to hear it. I know, one step at a time. I guess I'd better work up the courage to buy a test, huh?

Party!

Okay, so there isn't a party. But today is Tim's birthday and I'm trying to get everything done to make it a nice one. We'll be heading out to dinner tonight, and I think I've gotten all of the shopping done for it. I couldn't figure out what to get him so I just bought a bunch of clothes (more than I planned because I managed to stumble into a nice sale! Yay!) He doesn't want a big production, so I'm skipping the cake. Though I'm thinking about going out and getting some stuff to make a little ice cream cake. Nice and easy, and quick too. We've been together for a long time, but I've never been able to really do anything for him for his birthday. So though he doesn't want a big deal made out of it, I'd like to do something nice for him. I think I'm going to head out later to see if I can find a couple of pairs of jeans for him since his are all ripped up from work. I looked through every stinking pair of jeans at the store yesterday, but couldn't find his damned size. Every other size, but not his. I love that he's tall, but what a pain in the butt to find clothes! I have to admit that getting him clothes is a disappointment for me. I know he needs stuff, but it's just so boring. And I've always thought of birthday and Xmas gifts as a time to get someone something that they've wanted but wouldn't necessarily buy for themselves. Mafia Wife and I were talking about this, but it's hard to get something for someone who either has everything, or doesn't really want a whole lot. Part of the problem is that with money being scarce, neither one of us will say "Oooh, I'd love to have that!" when we're out and about shopping. Since we know we can't afford all of the luxuries right now, both of us are trying hard to be on our best spending behavior. Which makes gift ideas difficult to come up with! I think I'm a lot easier because I will still say, "I want that...someday". Tim doesn't. He just glances at it and walks away without even showing it to me. Ah well, someday, with some hard work, we'll be able to do nicer things for each other. Hmm. Gotta decide whether I want to do the ice cream cake or not. Okay, well, I want to do it, but will he think I went overboard is the real question. Especially since we're going out to dinner and could conceivably order dessert while we're there. Decisions decisions. Maybe I'll just wait and make Yours Truly's French Toast. Damn that stuff sounds good... I feel the pounds packing on along the hip area just thinking about it!

R.I.P. Riley

It's a sad day for my family today. I just got an email from my sister saying that they had to put their family dog, Riley, to sleep this morning. He's been sick for a while, and the doctor's weren't able to figure out what was wrong. Well, they finally found out. He had cancer in his stomach and it was too far gone for them to be able to operate. Riley was a very sweet dog, with lots of affection. He liked nothing more than to be pet and to snuggle. He was so wonderful with my niece and nephew. The things he tolerated! Though in truth, it seemed to me that he wasn't tolerating, that he just loved it. He loved his family so very much and I think his biggest regret would be that he couldn't have stayed to take care of them longer. So now that he's in Doggy Heaven, I thought I'd put up the two pictures that I have with him in it. I'm slapping myself that I didn't get any pics of just him. But these will have to do as a memorial to that great and loving dog named Riley.



Here he is in the background keeping his eye on my silly nephew


And again, in the background trying to keep this goofy boy out of trouble

Laundry day

Yep, I'm doing laundry. How very exciting. And to top off the day's events, I get to go shopping tonight! Woohoo! Okay, really, not exciting at all. But not every day gets to be a party. And I really don't have anything to say today, but I'm bored and need a break, so here I am regaling you all with my uneventful day. Let's see, what else have I been doing? Pretty much just trying to organize and stuff and make out my lists of things that I am going to need/want when I join the Mafia. Got lots of stuff on my list, but a lot of it is "eventually" stuff. Of course, I think I've figured out the real reason that this is going to happen. I've been longing for their TiVo. Yep, I'm gonna admit it. Though I think they only want me there for my Playstation. But I get the last laugh there because it's only a PS2! Muhahahahaha!

Okay, and on that note, I thought I'd share something amusing/cute with you. Because I'm kinda bored and I've run out of stuff to say.

Decision made

It's taken a little over a year, but I've finally made the decision to inflict myself on Mafia Wife, Bobby and children full time. Pray for them. Tim's middle kid decided that he would not come over on Tim's weekends any more because I still live here with Tim. He feels that Tim has lied to him because somewhere down the line Tim and his ex-wife (JoAnn) planned that I would move out when I got a job. Well, I haven't found a job yet, and that plan was not my plan. That's the problem with making plans that concern someone else; they may not go along with it. When I first heard about that plan, I told Tim in no uncertain terms what a very bad idea that was. But now I'm an even bigger bad guy because his kids don't want to spend time with him if I live here. Granted, they haven't even seen me in more than a year. I guess seeing my stuff is too much for them to handle. I wonder how much they'll holler when they realize that much of the stuff that's here that they use and enjoy is mine and will be going with me...Oy, shouldn't think those kinds of vindictive thoughts. I mean, it's not the kids' fault that they feel the way they do. Perhaps if their parents had had a little bit of discretion things would have worked out differently. But alas, we'll never know now.

So I feel pretty shitty. I've been fighting and working for this relationship for many many many years, and I feel like this has pretty much signed it's death warrant. Though I'll only be about an hour away, it's not easy trying to maintain a relationship that way. And, though I have no qualifications in determining children's behavior, I think that they will continue to make ridiculous demands on their dad. Like I said, I'm not qualified to figure out kids will act, so I could (and probably--hopefully--am) be way off base. But I know when I was a kid, if I did something and it resulted in getting what I wanted or getting things done the way that I wanted, I kept doing it. And when it started failing, I'd step it up a notch. And so on, and so forth. By letting the kids decide who lives where and who he dates, etc. I think Tim has really painted himself into a corner. I don't think that the kids will ever allow him and I to be happy and if they finally "allow" us to be together, I think they will do everything in their power to try and make us miserable. I'm probably way off base, but that's my gut feeling.

So on top of feeling shitty, I feel like I haven't ever made a good decision in my life. Luckily, there is some evidence to disprove this. At least a little bit. I was smart enough (though maybe the credit shouldn't be entirely be given to me) to pick the right kind of friends. I may not have a whole slew of peeps that I can hang out with, but the ones I've got would give me the shirt off their backs. Or in this case, a place to live while I get back on my feet. How bloody lucky is that? I mean, how many people can honestly say that they've got people who'll not only be there through the good and bad, but that'll prop them up and keep them going every step in between? I'm pretty damned lucky. That's probably the biggest understatement of the century. So I gotta get my arse in gear, get a job (hopefully a halfway decent one), and get out of their place before I drive them up a wall. I can't even tell you how mixed my feelings are right now. I mean, I'm so happy and so proud to have such wonderful friends, but I am soooooooooooooo worried that I'm going to do something that'll screw it all up. No matter what, I had better not let that happen.

And on yet another note, I feel kind of guilty because I've been having incredibly horrible, evil thoughts. I mean, really evil, at least for me. If you know me at all, you probably know that I am too nice most of the time. Apparently I have a very vindictive streak though. JoAnn (Tim's ex-wife in case you've forgotten) had to go in for a colonoscopy today, and I've been hoping all freaking day that the doctor slips with his probe. Though maybe we'll all get really lucky and the doctor will find her head up there. I can think of a lot more stuff she can shove up there that rotten, horrid person. See? even when I'm being mean and bitchy I'm still "nice". No wonder I'm so messed up.

Okay, off to see what else I can get packed up. Oh crap, I need more boxes. Grr, I don't wanna go to the store...

Flashbacks, oh no!

Well, nothing has been going on around here. I mean nothing. It's been rainy and gray for what seems like forever. I'm starting to have flashbacks to living in Juneau. It's scary. I almost asked Tim if he wanted to go for a drive out by the glacier yesterday. I think that means it's time for the sun to come out again. Or it's time for me to seek counselling. But then, we've known that was the case for years! Okay, since I'm having these flashbacks, I thought I'd share a photo from my days in Juneau. This is of the Mendenhall Glacier which was about 3 miles from my house. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, although Alaska is gorgeous, I could NEVER live there again.




Btw, this was obviously taken on one of the VERY rare sunny days. I do mean very rare. Remember folks, this place is in a rain forest. Like, for real (Tongass National Forest).

eww, jury duty

Yeah, joy. I've been summoned for jury duty. How thrilling. I can't say that I'm overjoyed by this. How can I make decisions that affect someone else's life (and sometimes multiple people) when I can't even figure out my own half the time? Oy vey, I really hope that there isn't any thing pending that needs a jury. I really, really, really don't want to do this. I guess I shouldn't complain, I mean, it is my duty and all that crap. But I just don't feel competent to do it. Sitting there with a bunch of strangers waiting around all day, I will be such a basket case. Though maybe I should be glad. I mean, if I do get stuck being on a jury, then they'll pay me. Sure, it's a pittance, but it is better than what I'm making right now. You know, if I get stuck doing some long drawn out case, that's when I'll get a boatload of calls for interviews. Bloody Murphy's Law, I swear. Grr. One step at a time. Just have to wait until it's my time and make my phone call and hope that they don't need me. And hope. And hope. Patooey!

Ho Hum

Nothing going on. Really. It's been so incredibly boring around here. And even quieter than usual. My "big" night has finally arrived. Yes, Criss Angel's doing his "Naked Escape" stunt tonight. Kind of a bummer that they're blocking it all out, but then again, after he and I run off and elope together (yeah right!), I'll probably be glad that all the fans of his show didn't see his, um, gear. And I'm sure I'll be content seeing him in his CK's. Yum. Though after tonight, what am I going to have to look forward to? Hohum. Maybe I'll just nap away the rest of the week. If only.

Oh yeah, and this one is for Mafia Wife. Because it reminds me of her. A lot. I mean, a whole LOT.



And for Bobby, though I'm not sure exactly why, this just reminds me of him:

YAWN...

I'm tired. Really tired. I woke up around 4:30 this morning feeling cold and damp. That is soooo not a pleasant sensation. But yes, the stupid water bed sprung another leak on my side again. So I had three options, 1) sleep in bed while getting soaked by a pinprick of a leak that I wouldn't be able to find at that hour, 2) get up and do something, or 3) get out of bed and try and camp out on the couch. Now, if I've never mentioned it before, we've got the couch from hell. Literally. It's this old, old, old sectional that probably never saw better days. Like even new from the store, I think this thing was designed for torture. I made a valiant effort to catch a few zzzz's there, but I didn't get much more than a back ache. I have trouble sleeping while sitting up in an uncomfortable position. Not that the stupid water bed is any better, mind you. I really, really, really hate that bed with a passion. It was Tim's from way back when, and it sat unused for like ever, only to be put out when Tim got divorced and moved out. The really crappy thing is that the couch and the water bed are all we've got, so at this point, this is how it is. I wish that I was able to sleep on floors! I think I might look at air mattresses today because when this happens again (and it will, this bed springs leaks all the time it seems), I want somewhere that I can get a little bit of sleep.

In other news, Tim is taking his kids on vacation beginning tomorrow night. How boring for me. The really sad part is that I've got nothing going on all week while he's gone. The only thing that I'm looking forward to is watching Criss Angel: Mindfreak. Yeah yeah, I'm hopelessly addicted. And this week's episode sounds promising, especially with the old man away. It's called "Naked Escape". SO, what's better than seeing Criss Angel nekkid while my man is gone? Not much, unless he (C.A.) happened to appear nekkid at my doorstep...And if that ever happens, I will not be responsible for my actions. Still trying to figure out how I'd restrain an escape artist though.... ;)

Sad Night

Considering the news last night of the bridge collapsing near Minneapolis, I thought I'd share a funny picture with you guys. I woke up to read about the bridge, and felt so sad, I just needed to do a little something to make myself smile a bit. Before I do though, let me just say that my thoughts and prayers go out to all of those affected by this latest tragedy. And without further ado:





Yep, that's the Kitty of Doom there, after being caught surfing the net for "kitty pr0n". Okay, that's not really what he was doing (this time). He likes to sit in his daddy's office chair and nap. And he likes to sit like this basically anywhere. But this is one of the few times I've ever seen him in this pose in the chair. I thought it was really cute. And yes, his eyes are always that big. I think that the Kitty of Doom is actually the reincarnation of Al Bundy. Which is much better than say, Ted Bundy. Yep, the cat's weird. No wonder he fits in around here.

New Format!

Yep, I gave up. I just went and got a new format to do what I want this silly blog thing to do. I really hate the colors. And I really don't give a hoot about the picture. It's pretty and all, but I can't say that I have any real feeling about it one way or the other. The one that I liked most, which is not to say that I loved it, decided it didn't want to work, and I was too lazy to mess with it. My hope is that now that I have the layout all worked out, I will take the time to pick out colors that I like and find a picture that I like. That's the plan any way. I wouldn't recommend holding your breath waiting though. I get way too distracted, way too easily. It all comes from having no life, ya know.

So, other subjects. Let's see, the news is always bad and I've already ranted about current events this week. Oh, I just finished reading the latest (and final) Harry Potter book. I won't include any spoilers, just in case there's someone out there who hasn't read it yet but wants to. Suffice it to say that it was a very good story and I enjoyed it as much as all the rest of the series. I have been very impressed how the events in these books have aged with the characters. And even though this is technically a kids/young adult series, I'm glad that I read it. And I'll probably sit down at some point and re-read it.

Yawn

I'm bored. Really bored. The highlight of my day so far has been going to the Secretary of State's office to get my new license plate. Yep, sitting around waiting for my number to be called was my big thrill. How bloody irritating. So, what's going on in the world? Hrrmmmm, guess I should read the news or something. Ah yes, that psycho nutcase in Maryland is still in the news. This b***h is charged with killing her newborn son after they found his remains wrapped in a towel under the bathroom vanity. After searching her house, they've turned up the remains of three more pre-term children. Two in a garbage bag stuffed into a trunk in her bedroom, and a third in a mobile home nearby. The cops are now digging up the yard searching for more. I don't get it. I just don't. I mean, if you don't want to have a child, use birth control, have a tubal ligation, something! If you're having trouble carrying a child to term, talk to a doctor! Why, oh why, would someone have a child and then just stash it in a trash bag? Even if it was stillborn, it just doesn't make any sense to me. And another oddity, according to what I've read, she lived with her boyfriend. I'm assuming that the boyfriend was the baby's daddy, didn't he wonder what happened to his kid? And even if he was not the father, why on earth didn't he wonder why his girlfriend was suddenly not pregnant? People really really really piss me off. Is it just me, or has the world gone completely off it's rocker? Ah yes, this is why I try not to read the news too much. I can take the headlines, but reading deeper just makes me irate. *SIGH*

goofing off

Fiddling around with the template so that I can add a few of my favorite things. You know, personalize this whole space a little. But what I really want to do is put them there videos over on that whole blah space on the right. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten it to work quite yet. I'll be tinkering around with it for a while. In the meantime, if you're curious about any of those favorites, feel free to give them a listen! I've got them configured so that they don't auto-play (wouldn't that be an instant headache with so many of them going at once!) so just clicky the play button and enjoy. If you don't enjoy, I'd suggest clicking the stop button. Yep, I'll admit it, I'm brilliant about these things!

Calming Down

So, the weekends over, and I'm starting to calm down about the car thing. Luckily, nothing came up where I had to figure out how to get around. I didn't really do anything this weekend, but that's not really anything unusual. I've got to figure out what to say to these yahoos at the shop when I get my car. I really want to get my point acrossed, but I don't want to lose all of my dignity. Some of it, but not all ;)

Let's see, what happened this weekend? Um, it was announced that Tammy Faye Bakker Messner died, which is kind of sad. She's not one of my favorite people or anything, but I did admire her enthusiasm and she impressed me when she did that show, "The Surreal Life". She always stuck by her beliefs, laughed at herself (including her trowel applied makeup), and didn't seem to really care about a person's past, just about the person. It amused me that she struck up a friendship with Ron Jeremy on that show. Granted, she didn't know who he was. It impressed me that she so willingly embraced the gay community, which I found kind of surprising since most devout christians treat them like lepers or worse. I hope that she found her answers and is now in a happier place. Rest in Peace Tammy Faye.

Yep, that's about all that I can think of that happened. Though we did have a nice sunset the other night that I managed to capture with my little camera. I was impressed that it turned out, because I really suck at taking pictures. I leave the good stuff to those who can :) So, here's my pretty sunset pic taken from the balcony of the apartment. I think I even managed to position myself to where I missed taking a shot of the messy balcony or the ugly building. OMG, I'm learning!

Shoot me now

I sat around alllllllllllllll day yesterday waiting for the call to come in that my car was finished. I was initially told it would be done around 3ish, but 3 came and went. 4 came and went. The shop closes at 6 on Fridays, so I was getting a bit worried. Finally at about 5:30 the call came that they had encountered another "problem". It seems that the housing that my oil filter sits in was cracked and it was leaking a "considerable" amount of oil. Unfortunately, they missed the cutoff time to order parts so they wouldn't be able to get it until Tuesday....

I'm just livid. That means I'm without a car all bloody weekend. Had they called at 3 like they had thought, I could have made arrangements for a rental or something, if I wanted. Granted, I can't afford that right now, but if I had something that I needed to do, I could have had time to arrange it. And if the stupid leak was so "considerable", how come they didn't notice it in the beginning? I mean, hell, they had the stupid car overnight! Aren't they supposed to be trained professionals and all that? Bobby noticed the oil leak from when my car was parked on the road, and he's not "trained" for that kind of thing! Maybe I'm asking too much, but I would just assume that a mechanic or whatever the politically correct term is these days, would happen to notice that there was a puddle of oil laying there. So I'm without a car for 5 days. Of course, that's assuming that they don't find anything else wrong and that they remember to get the stupid part they need.

Gods, what I wouldn't do for a new car, a garage, and a good mechanic.

Kaching, kaching, snap, crackle, pop!

That's the sound of the car bill being tallied, followed immediately by the bank breaking. It seems that my lovely Caddy had some lovlier little leaks in the valves, etc. etc. It's costing just under a grand to have the darned thing fixed. And people wonder why I don't like buying used cars...well, this would be why. You just never know if the previous owner performed regular maintenance or anything like that. And I've just never had luck with used cars. Some people (MW & Bobby) have had pretty good luck with 'em, but I haven't yet. At least when something goofy goes on with a new car, I've got a warranty. Yep, I like new. Too bad it'll be a while before I get a new one.

On a totally different note, my parents made it up to the mitten. After dropping my car off at the shop, I got a call from them asking if I wanted to do lunch. They finally got to meet their "grandson", i.e. The Kitty of Doom. Mom seemed to like him, but I'm not sure about Dad. He's never had any good experiences with cats, so he's not fond of them at all. KoD was pretty well behaved, so maybe Dad will come around.

So, I'm bored. I'm sitting here waiting for the call to tell me that my car is ready to be picked up. Luckily they've got a courtesy drop-off/pickup service, so I don't have to bother Tim at work. He's been trying to get a greenhouse job finished, but it's just one stupid thing after another. Some jobs are like that. He doesn't have any appointments (that he knows of) tonight, so he might actually get home at a decent hour. These 13+ hour days are really taking their toll on him. Gotta love summer, I suppose. Now if only I could land something. This job thing is really starting to tick me off. There's gotta be someone out there who's willing to give me a chance! Ah well, not much to do but keep sending out the resumes and filling out the applications, and hoping that the telephone will ring. Oh, and keeping my fingers crossed. Okay, that's enough for now.

Wow

Had a great time at the Staind concert last night. It was just freakin' amazing! In all honesty, it was probably one of the best shows I have ever seen. The really cool part is that this show wasn't part of their current tour. Right now they're touring with Nickelback, and they had done a show the day before in Detroit, but they planned this detour up to Grand Rapids to perform at one of the local spots. There was a Grand Rapids band that opened for them, I don't even remember the name. They weren't bad, but the vocals lacked something, in my opinion. But when Staind hit the stage, it was incredible. I can't even describe it. I've said it before, but I really do mean it, their stuff seems so totally in sync with my life, it's scary. Aaron Lewis, the singer, packs so much emotion into the songs. I don't know what it is about him, but I find him to be incredibly hot. It's gotta be the feeling he puts behind the songs. He's not bad looking, but he sure isn't what I'd call hot. He doesn't have an incredible body (no 6 pack abs here folks). Hell, I can't figure out whether he shaves his head or whether he's just bald. But...for some reason, I think he's sexy. Bizarre. I'm soooooo glad I got to see these guys. I hope that I'll get to see them again someday. If you like any of their music, I highly recommend going to see them live if the opportunity presents itself. Even Tim was blown away by the show, and he is always nagging at me to take their CDs out of my car so he doesn't have to listen to 'em!

Tonight's the show!

Yay! Tonight's the concert! I'm just sitting here waiting on Tim to get cleaned up so we can head on out. We're giving ourselves extra time, just in case. The plan is to get up there, check out the line (if there is one) and grab some dinner if it's not too long. I'm so excited! This is one of my favorite bands ever. If my life had a soundtrack, Staind would be the ones writing and performing it. It seems like whatever their latest CD is about, it fits whatever is going on in my life. Hrrmmmm, maybe they should write something super happy...Any way, gotta make sure I've got everything so I'm ready to go. Laterz!

Playing with Templates

So, as you may (or may not) have noticed, I've been playing with these templates. I kinda like this one, but I dunno, it's just not quite it, you know? I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for. I like the dark stuff, but that does tend to make it difficult to read. So, I guess I'm looking for a happy medium. Unfortunately, all the "happy mediums" that I've found are kind of fru-fru. Those just don't seem to fit "me". I'm not exactly a girly-girl. Maybe I should just find one of some really cute guy and put that up. At least then when I'm checking it over I've got something yummy to look at. Mmmm, eye candy! Maybe I just don't have a clue what I want and I'm hoping that I'll see something and say "That's it!" I want cute, I want funny, I want pretty, but I don't want pink and girly girl and barbie doll kind of things. I want edgy and crazy. But not too crazy. You see, I don't know what I want.

On another note, I had a great big huge talk with Tim yesterday. I made it perfectly clear that his idea of waiting and waiting and waiting to have me involved in his life, including his family, is not going to work. I made it perfectly clear that if he insists that I move out and we go back to "dating" to make things "right" for his kids, that there wasn't going to be any "dating". At least not with me. Because as I see it, he and his little monsters would be tossing me out. And I'm sure as hell not going to date some guy that through me out. Any way, I did actually put it nicer than that. At least at first. I think I finally got some points acrossed. Like this plan of his isn't going to work because the kids already have an impression of me, and us living separately isn't going to change that. However, given the chance to get to know me, that might. And I think he finally realizes that if he wants us to work, that he's going to have to make some sacrifices as well. And if he wants a future with me, then he had damned well better fight for it. Like I told him, the kids would come around eventually, however, they'd come around quicker if they realized that 1) I'm here to stay and 2) that I make their dad happy, that I matter to their father. But having him hide me away whenever they're around or whenever he calls me sneaking outside so they don't hear, isn't showing them those things. Yep, gave him a big long lecture. I'm now thinking of joining the lecturing circuit. I kind of feel bad for the poor guy, he got stuck listening to me complain and nag and he didn't even have any alcohol to dull the pain. ;)

Definitions

Okay, I can't come up with anything original or amusing. I admit it. So, I stole the following from my email. I have no idea who originally wrote this, or I'd give proper credit. But, it is pretty darned true, so ENJOY!

I hope this gives you all as much as a laugh as I got!!!

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right
and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a 1/2 hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in
fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about
nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this
is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now
doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For
the woman's response refer to #3.

Clueless

I'm bored. I wanted to hop on here and write something funny or to vent or something, but I'm out of ideas. It's an empty headed sort of day, I suppose. So, I'm ripping the tagging game off of Mafia Wife's website so that I post something. I know, highly original. ;)

This Is How It Works:

Each player must post these rules first.
Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to tag and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Now here are my eight things:

1) I like animals better than people. Though this is probably common knowledge.
2) I avoid having my picture taken like the camera will steal my soul. Mainly, I've only taken one good pic in my life, and it was a drivers license photo.
3) I'm horribly vain. Which is why I won't have my pic taken. I mean, I'm horribly vain. If I thought that I was remotely cute, I'd be the biggest narcissist known to man. Good thing I'm not cute.
4) I am overly emotional. I mean it. Like I cry at commercials. Hard. Oh sure, not every one, but just ask Mafia Wife how many boxes of kleenex I went through watching "8 Below". And even after watching it for like the dozenth time, the waterworks don't let up. In fact, I cried at Mafia Wife's wedding more than she did.
5) When taking the career personality tests in school, I was evaluated as someone who should go into the medical field. Unfortunately, I can not stand the sight of blood and can't even watch cheesy horror movies where everything is obviously phony. I have issues watching CSI and shows like that.
6) I hate watching tv. I mean it. There are so few shows that I like, and most of them I get on DVD so I can watch them when I want. I hate the idea of having to be in my living room at a certain time on a certain night to watch my favorite show. Next week will be hellish since the Staind concert is on the same night that "Mindfreak" is on. I don't know what I'm gonna do. If only I could steal Mafia Wife's TiVo!
7) In school, I didn't fit in. At all. I still don't for that matter. Back then, I was too freaky for the geeks and too geeky for the freaks. And too freaky and geeky for the "in" crowd.
8) I'm a motor vehicle fanatic. I love cars, motorcycles, and planes. I secretly wanted to be a fighter pilot in the Air Force growing up (but being female, what would the odds be?). I love classic cars and the high end sports cars. But, I don't like watching racing (like NASCAR). Nothing wrong with the sport, but just not something I can get my kicks out of. I'd kill for a '67 GTO. Or just about any Jaguar. Love love love Jaguars. And Lamborghini? Well, now, I'd sell my soul for a Lambo.

So there you have it. Eight incredibly remarkable and amazing things about me. Yeah, okay, whatever. I'm not tagging 8 people because, frankly, I don't know 8 people. The only folks that visit are MW, Bobby, Dink, JJ, and some of the other really sweet people that MW has met along the way. It's nice that they have taken the time to read my rubbish, but it would be incredibly rude of me to just tag them. I think I have to buy them dinner and take them to a movie first...

I'll try and think of something wonderful to post later. Maybe I'll actually do some creative writing. Haven't done that in a while. We'll see. Now though, it's off to the shower because it's late!

Nothing yet

So, it's been a few days, and I've had nothing further to post. I've heard nothing about the dogs or any of the other lingering issues with my ex. I've tried everything that I can think of, aside from hopping a plane to Alaska. I feel like someone has ripped my heart from my chest and left just a big gaping hole. The Kitty of Doom has been my only real consolation. I've used my Criss Angel videos to distract myself and to try and inspire a sense of wonder or amusement or something. I guess that even though it's been a year since I've seen my dogs, the pain is still too fresh and not ready to heal. I just can't forgive myself for leaving them. I know deep down inside that I tried to do the best thing possible for them, and I know that my pain is really just because of my own selfish desires to have them with me, but I just can't forgive myself for abandonning them. I just wish I knew what I did to make the ex so cruel as to not even respond to me. It'd be really easy to blame this on "Tim's" ex-wife and her stupid phone call. And I do truly believe that that phone call is 99% of the reason that my ex won't communicate with me. I'm so angry and hurt that all I can think about is striking out at someone, but there really isn't anything that I can do. Well, nothing that would do any good and nothing that would make me feel any better. I suppose that I just need to keep faith in Karma. What goes around, comes around. I hope that when it repays these people for the rotten way they've treated others, that it isn't as painful as it feels to me right now. Though I'd be lying if I said that I hope it doesn't hurt at all. I really would love to see my ex and Tim's ex to suffer a bit for all of this. You know, maybe have a couple of sleepless nights and go through a box or two of kleenex, that sort of thing. Not very nice of me, is it? Ah well, being nice hasn't gotten me any where, has it? Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. I've managed to make myself into a very lovely doormat for all of these folks. Now I just have to work out a way to metamorphasize myself back into a human. Hmm, I wonder if Criss can do that? Maybe it can be a featured demonstration in his tv show...

Time to change

So, I actually got a birthday present that I wanted. I'm kinda shocked. I never get something that I really want, but the boyfriend pulled through and got me tickets to see Staind at the Orbit Room in Grand Rapids. He's even planning on leaving work early so we can get there on time. Staind is probably my favorite band of the moment. I'm still devoted to the Beatles, but obviously I'll never get to see them live! And yes, George Strait is right up there, no matter what. But Staind's songs seem to reflect my life. It's odd how we find music that reflects the events we're going through. And Staind is like "middle-aged angst" as opposed to the ever popular teenage angst.

I'm still feeling pretty pissy about the ex-husband. He did manage to send me a one sentence reply that answered one of my questions. He did NOT manage to tell me how the dogs are doing. This really worries me. I'm a worrier by nature, but the more I think about this, the more ominous it sounds. If it were just the ex involved, I'd know that my feelings were unfounded because he does love those dogs and would do anything for them. But, I don't know anything about his new wife. And I don't know what sort of influence, if any, she has over him. And since he hasn't even written "the dogs are fine", it makes me wonder if he didn't find new homes for them or something. Or maybe it's just his way of punishing me for asking for a divorce. That doesn't make much sense though since he's already moved on. I just wanna know they're okay! I feel like I've lost my children. I think I've run out of tears because I've been crying so much. If this is his way of punishing me for some imagined slight, it's awfully cruel. I'm just praying to any God out there that will listen, that my pups are okay and loved. If he did re-home them, I will be furious. And I'll probably start planning a road trip to Alaska to fetch them back. I refuse to let my babies be raised by people who are strangers to me. Refuse. And though it will take most of the money I have left (if not all), I just don't care. Those dogs mean more to me then my own life. *Sigh* I guess I didn't run out of tears after all.

Yay. I'm older.

Yep, it's my birthday. Woohoo. I remember when I was a kid, I always looked forward to my birthday. Presents! Cake! Ice Cream! You know, good stuff. I never had the usual kids b-day party though because everyone was always on vacation when my birthday hit. No clowns or magicians. No pony rides. No balloons and streamers. Wow, that really sucks. Now that I'm older, I really dread my birthday. Not because I'm getting older, that's obvious to me every day. But because my birthday has always hit right around the time of some drama in my life. I blame the lack of kids parties for the really bad soap opera quality of my life. I swear, I should write my life story sometime and see about getting it published. Though they'd probably file it in the humor section of the store.

I finally got a response from the ex this morning. It was an entire sentence via email. Too bad that he didn't answer all of my questions. I guess that I'm going to keep harassing him until I get my answers. I hope that it's going to really suck to be him when I get through. Really, I'm not trying to be vindictive, I just want some damned answers. They're not even tough questions! I tried being reasonable, but that didn't work, so now I'm being annoying. I figure it's really easy for me to make annoying phone calls since he lives 4 hours behind me time wise. Hehe, so when I call at 9 am, it's 5 am there. That can't go over well...Especially when I mention that I'm going to start calling his family, and his co-workers, and especially his boss...Yep, I plan on going there if I don't get answers soon. Probably even his attorney too. If it causes him trouble, I really don't care any more. Considering how many tears that I've shed because I don't know how my dogs (aka my babies) are doing, he can just suffer. I've tried being nice my whole life, and in retrospect, what has it gotten me? Nothing. I don't even have a place of my own or a job. I've only got a few friends left (hard to maintain a friendship when I was living so far away, so I can't blame them), and my boyfriend doesn't include me in 95% of his life. So all I've really got are a couple of friends and a cat left. Thirty-seven years, and that's it. Oh, and a really bad spanish soap opera style of life. I swear I even hear dramatic music playing at key intervals. Right now, I'm just wishing for a commercial break so that I can stop thinking about all this crap. Any way, I've rambled enough for now.

Thanks to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday. I wish you were all here so we could have an excuse for some fun and laughter!

Insomnia and mixed feelings

It's 4 in the morning. And I'm awake. I think I managed about 2 hours worth of dozing, but my mind is going to fast to rest. I hate nights like this. I found out some interesting news due to a mis-sent email. It seems that my ex-husband has remarried already and is dealing with immigration for his new wife. Huh. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I mean, we've been divorced for a year, so I'm a little offended that he found someone so quickly, especially in such a small community. But, I'm also really happy for him. I sincerely want him to be happy and successful. But I'm also really pissed off because I've been trying to get a hold of him for a couple of months to find out some things and he won't return my calls or emails. All I really want to know is how my dogs are doing. And though it does kind of tick me off that another woman is acting as their mommy, in a way it's also reassuring that they've got someone else to love them. Plus there are a few things that I haven't heard updates on. Like when some of my stuff is going to get here (oh sure, it's nothing really major, mostly coffee mugs and stuff that I've collected over the years, but there is sentimental value attached to them, for me any way) and when exactly he's going to refinance the house. Especially since the usual legal turn around time on that in cases of divorce is one year. So, now I have to figure out ways to harass him into answering me. I figure that if I ever fall asleep, I can call him in the morning. Morning my time, that is. Since he's 4 hours behind me my 8 am phone call may not be very welcome. Hehehe. Yeah, it's mean and childish, but since he's intentionally avoiding me, I'm not sure what else I can do. Is there a way to make anonymous calls on a cell phone? Hmm, that gives me an idea. I think I still have a calling card lying around here somewhere...that would be anonymous. Seems pointless when I'm using a cell though. Oh well, the things we do to find out the stuff that's important to us! Gods, I wish I had some way to make myself fall asleep. I'm thinking of really mean things that I can do, but I really don't wanna go there. Let's hope that thinking doesn't count when all things are tallied up at the end.

Inspirations

It's a rather gray and dreary day here, and I'm feeling a bit down. The thought of my birthday in two days is weighing me down for some reason. It really sucks to not have the people that I love close enough to share the day with. So I feel very sad. In an attempt to cheer myself up, I've been thinking about the people who inspire me and why. It's helping, but I'm not sure if it helps because it makes me feel good to have these people in my life, or if it's just knowing that there are such people in the world. So here are my thoughts.

Mafia Wife: I don't think I've ever told her just how much she means to me. I think on some level she knows, but I really should tell her sometime. No matter what, since I was 18 years old, she's been there. I've cried an ocean (at least!) on her shoulders, and she's never once told me "I told you so." The things that she's accomplished may not make the evening news, but she's done sooooo much. And when I feel like poo, she's always there to say something to make me feel better. She's always there to listen to my rants and raves and offer advice. She never expects me to take it, nor does she look down on me if I don't. All she's ever done for me is out of her love for the people in her life.

Bobby: He's always there with a laugh. It never seems to matter what kind of crappy things have gone on, he's always there with a smile on his face. His cheerfulness is infectious. And when you feel like bawling your eyes out, it's nice to have a friend like this to turn to. Don't get me wrong, he is a fabulous listener, he offers good advice, but he does it in such a cheerful way that it's difficult to stay in a funk.

Mom & Dad: Once I finally figured out what made my parents tick, it was easier. You see, my folks are a strange sort. They're not happy when things are absolutely perfect. Maybe it's from working so hard all of their lives to get by. I don't know. But if they don't have something to complain about (like the dinner plates are the wrong color or something equally as stupid), they aren't happy. They've never criticised me, at least not that I've ever heard. They've always been there with a hug and a word of encouragement. They worked so hard at crappy jobs just so that I could have nice things. And more importantly, just so that I could have the necessities.

There are some of those famous people who have inspired me as well. That's not so uncommon, I don't think. Like Princess Diana (who, if you know me, is a sort of an obsession, but then, the entire royal family is with my family). Here's this woman, who's found herself in an impossible situation, and she managed to face it, and help others in their situations. She admitted that she wasn't a perfect human being, and she used that to help the very people who had put her up on that pedestal that she detested. As silly as it sounds, this recent infatuation with Criss Angel has been inspiring too. His thoughts and words have reminded me that sometimes just believing in something is enough. He worked very hard for what he has achieved, and through it all, he always believed that he could do it. Anything is possible. Anything.

And then there are some "newcomers" into my life that inspire me. There's little Vinny and the Train Freak. I just don't know how you can look at their adorable little faces and not be inspired. The joy and wonder and innocence there is heartwarming. Even when they're being little monsters. Bogey. Nope, still don't know what that word means to them. And honestly, I don't care any more. It makes them laugh, so it's all good. And then, I've recently "met" a friend of Bobby and Mafia Wifes. Dink's story was amazing to me. To think of the struggles this one woman endured is mind-boggling. And to survive it with her sense of humor intact, is incredible. Not only that, but she is such a generous soul. What I see her give to her children, wow. And to her friends, it's just beyond amazing. I hope that someday I'll be able to be so generous with myself. She inspires me to try to give a little bit more of myself every day. Especially on those days when I don't think I have anything left to give. I just hope that I get to meet her for real sometime soon.

Wow, that helped more than I thought it would. Yep, I cried while I was typing this (but then again, I cry at McDonald's commercials). But it felt good. It's nice to remember the people that we love and the things about them that we hope that we accomplish. It's like refocusing the camera lens of my life. Sometimes we just have to remember that it's not always a good idea to use the auto-focus feature since we can never be too sure of what we're going to get as a result.

I suppose...

...that I should post something. It's been a couple of days since I've done anything over here. Truth is, there isn't a heck of a lot to write about. I've been doing the usual, perusing the want ads, hoping one of them will pan out. Monday I went out and about doing the whole application thing at some of the stores nearby. Did a couple online since gas prices are so stupid still (and those stores were more of a drive). Today we've had a whole string of thunderstorms. It's been pretty noisy. But it's so nice to hear the thunder and see the lightning again! I can't believe I managed three years without experiencing it. Let's see, last night was tv night. Yep, I'm glued to the tube (tuned to A&E) on Tuesdays. I admit it, I'm a "Dog the Bounty Hunter" junkie. And I've already admitted that I'm madly in lust with Criss Angel. So, Tuesdays are the night I watch tv. Yep. That's what my life is like. And Mafia Wife wonders why I don't post more often. I suppose if I did, a few more insomniacs would get some rest. Maybe I'll try it sometime. Laterz.

Saturday (also entitled "Why I like banging my head against the wall"

An update on the brewing kid/drug controversy:
Hehe, yeah, I wanted that to sound like a news intro, but it didn't so who cares? Any way, here's the latest. Tim is over talking to Justin about the latest crap that he's getting himself into. JoAnn decided that she wasn't going to toss Justin out, yet. And apparently the underlying problem is that Justin goes to public schools.

Okay, so that's the basics. You didn't think you'd get away without my editorial comments now, did you? Public schools are the problem. That was what Tim told me last night. If not the big problem, they aren't helping. Funny, there are a lot of kids that go to public schools, but not all of them are in trouble, doing drugs, dropping out, etc. If the schools are the problem, shouldn't it affect a lot more kids? Don't get me wrong, the public school systems could use some serious work. And some hefty budget increases. But hasn't that always been the case? I really don't believe that the schools are causing Justin to smoke marijuana. I think that the blame here lies with the kid. He made the choice, but he's not willing to accept the responsibility for that choice. Why? Because his parents made some really bad decisions when they were raising him. No, they weren't/aren't bad parents, but I really question a lot of their choices. This practice (and yes, since it happens all the time, I consider it a "practice" if not a mode of operation) of doling out a punishment and they rescinding it, is not helping. And they wonder why Justin doesn't listen to them or follow the rules. Maybe because he figured out eons ago that if he breaks the rules there aren't going to be any consequences? Huh, whodathunkit? I'm really afraid for Justin. He's got a lot of issues that he is unwilling, or maybe unable, to address. He's overweight and it bothers him badly. His solution: watch tv and eat more junk food. Then get high and get the munchies. He is getting bad grades in school and is now taking summer school classes. Why? Because the class doesn't interest him. He doesn't think that English/Literature classes are important because he wants to go to a fine arts school to do drama and scene building type of stuff. What? How on earth can you perform a play if you don't have a clue about literature? Doesn't make sense to me. I mean, wasn't Shakespeare a playwright?

What it all boils down to is that he's a typical teenager who knows it all, however he wasn't given the tools to deal with it. He doesn't know any self-discipline because the rules that he grew up with were never enforced, so he doesn't feel like there will ever be any consequences. He's argumentative and can be downright nasty to his parents, mainly because he's never learned to respect them. Why respect someone who you know will bend to your every whim? Frankly, this kid could have used a serious spanking. Or boot camp. Or a few days in jail. Harsh? Yeah, it is. But at this stage, I don't think taking his tv away or grounding him for a week is going to make any difference whatsoever. GAH! I'm so frustrated and furious right now. Okay, that's enough. Time to hop in the shower to cool off.

Second Post in one day!

Basically, just a "job update". Not good news, unfortunately. They decided to "go another direction". I've been hearing that phrase entirely too much. Alas, guess I get to go out to all of the stores and hope that I can find something. I just hope that I don't get stuck with some third shift kind of job. I've done that before, and I really don't think I can do it again. It was hard when I was younger, I really don't know if I could manage staying awake and adjusting my life to that shift again. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, and if that's all that I can do, then at least it'd be a job. *Sigh* to have fallen so far so fast...Grr, I can't think that way! I just have to do what needs to be done and suck it up. It's not the end of the world, heck, I wouldn't even have to stay in that kind of position for very long--just until something else popped up. Meantime, I could get the bills paid and hopefully stash a couple of bucks away. Yep, just gotta suck it up and deal with it. Okay, going to take a nap because my allergies are kicking my butt.

Some mornings...

...just aren't worth getting out of bed for. The ol' man's ex called with yet another crisis this morning. This one is critical, but normally, they're just a bunch of hooey. Any way, this morning she calls him and tells him that she's kicking their oldest (16 year old, who will now be called "Justin") out of the house. It seems that Wednesday morning she thought he looked stoned, so she relentlessly questioned him until he confessed that he's been smoking marijuana. To top it off, he had a stash in his bedroom and claimed to have been smoking in the ex's (let's call her "JoAnn") house. Now, JoAnn runs a daycare out of her house as her only source of income. She does pretty well, but obviously if Justin's actions became known, she'd be in a world of hurt. Not to mention the effects, if any, on having the other kids around. I can't help but have a lot of questions about all of this. Of course, I can't really ask any of them of the ol' man (still need a name for him...how about if I call him Tim, as in Tim Allen of Home Improvement since my ol' man is a contractor). SO, I ask you all, since you know about as much of what is going on in my life as I do. First, why did it take two days for JoAnn to tell Tim about Justin's screw up? Second, why did it take JoAnn two days to punish Justin for breaking the rules? None of that makes any sense to me. But I can't help but wonder as to whether tossing Justin out on his ear is really the best form of punishment for this situation. Apparently, he's getting his marijuana from his friend and his friend's Dad. *Cringe* talk about a parent of the year... And now that he's been thrown out, guess where he's going to stay. No really, guess. Yep, with this friend and his Dad. So, by throwing him out, isn't that kind of like condoning it? They (Tim and JoAnn) claim that they won't help to support him at all, but I really don't believe it. JoAnn is not a disciplinarian in the least, and to date, has never followed through with any punishment. And Tim still feels guilty about what divorcing JoAnn has done to the kids, so I can see him caving relatively quickly. This is such a weird situation. And though finding out your kids have experimented with drugs and alcohol isn't really all that weird, it is a really difficult situation. I don't feel as if I can offer any valid opinions on this at all. I mean, sure, I've done some naughty things in my day, but most of them were "calculated risks". You know, getting drunk when I was staying the night at Mafia Wife's place, kind of thing. Where it was at least somewhat safe (unless you're falling off of bunk beds). And not having kids of my own, I never feel like my advice is even remotely valid. I just don't think that tossing Justin out of the house is a good idea. I think it'll cause more harm to him in the long run then any lessons that he might learn. And I'm afraid that it will destroy the already tenuous relationships that he has with his parents. Of course, this is just an opinion. I can't say that I really know this kid very well since he refuses to acknowledge that I exist. I'm just thinking about myself at that age and what all of this would have done to me.

Any way, I've reached a mental block on this, at least for the moment. If any of you have any opinions, advice, anything, I'd greatly appreciate it. I know I don't have any say in the children's disciplinary regimen, but sometimes it's nice to know that I've got some advice to offer to Tim when I'm listening and trying to support him. And who knows, maybe I'll even give you guys credit! Just kidding, of course I would.

Thursday

Well, it's Thursday. And still no word on the job. Tomorrow will mark one week since my second interview. I think that doesn't bode well for my chances. I haven't heard from my friend who recommended me for the job either. I'd probably give it another week, but this is a position in a store, and they usually need their stuff filled and trained as soon as possible. *Sigh* I guess Monday is going to be "get cleaned up and looking presentable so I can fill out applications again" day. I know the rejections aren't personal. These folks are in business and they have to choose the person who is right for the position. But after more than a year, it's feeling more and more like I'm some sort of reject. I just wish I knew what it was that I was doing wrong, or what it is that I'm doing right so that I could improve myself. Blech, I really don't wanna pound pavement any more. It's becoming too frustrating. Where, oh where, is my filthy rich, incredibly old, future husband? Yeah yeah, keep dreaming!

Mid Week

It's Wednesday, and I still haven't heard anything about the job at Gander Mountain. I'm trying to decide what my "deadline" is for hearing from them before I start sending out stuff again. I'd really hate to get into a position where I've got to decide between two jobs. Especially after not being able to get one for so damned long! Needless to say, I'm getting discouraged. Ah well, if I don't get this one, that just means there's a better one out there somewhere. Because, you know, I've done so freaking well finding one so far...

Don't mind me, I'm tired for some reason, so I'm crabby. I'm going to blame the Kitty of Doom since he's been super snuggly. And when that Purr factory starts going, I'm helpless. It's a lot better then how he wakes me up though (toe pouncing can be painful!). Gawds, I'm just bored and crabby and they're feeding off of each other. Oh yeah, and hungry too. I wish that I had a relationship where I could sit down with the one that I love and have dinner at a normal hour. You know, the same time period every day, kind of thing. I know, I'm demanding. Though if I were smart, and I've never said that I was, I'd stop trying to fit in and/or live my life around someone else's. I used to use the excuse that I was in training to be a parent, but at 36 without kids, the chances are getting slimmer and slimmer that that will be the case. So, either I need to find some backbone or a better excuse. Or better yet, I should just run away with Criss Angel and have a brood of his babies. Yeah, that's a good plan. Okay MW, shall we head off to Vegas so I can kidnap my future husband/baby daddy? And do you think I should let him know first, or after?

whoops, forgot to update

So I forgot to update on Friday after my interview. I think things went pretty well for a second interview. I interviewed with the store operations manager and then with the current store manager (he's leaving soon, so-as he told me-he's not going to make the final decision, he'll leave it up to those who would be stuck with the person they hire). We shared some laughs, and the usual interview type discussions. They both seemed to be on the same page as I am about how you treat your co-workers, confidentiality, organization, and desire to learn. I felt like the conversations were just that, conversations. Not the "I ask questions-you answer-I nod" kind of situation. Any way, hopefully I'll hear something soon. Fingers crossed!

This was my weekend of exile again. It was so weird to go and hang out at the mob family's place without all of them there! Actually, it was kind of boring. Even though I hate the situation that forces me to leave my "home" every other weekend, I really do look forward to seeing my favorite second family. Their house was so damned quiet without the boys though! I tried to make the best of it by grabbing some soda and some munchies and splurging on a Criss Angel DVD collection. Saturday evening I had a "drool fest" while watching the dvds. I've already told Mafia Wife that we're going to have to plan a trip to Vegas so that I can meet my future husband (aka Criss Angel, if you weren't following...). If he balks at the whole "marriage" thing, I'd settle for him being my baby's daddy. Or at least trying for that! Yep, I'm a perv. Yep, it's a high school type obsession. I'm 36 years old and have a crush! Oy vey, who'da thunk it?

So the Mafia bunch arrived home Sunday morning very early (I was pretty groggy, but it must have been around 5 am or 6 am). The Boss Man was whipped and crashed pretty hard for a few hours, though not nearly enough. MW stayed up for a while with the boys, since they got to sleep for a while on the drive. I think she did that mainly so they'd stay quiet while I slept. The dork really should have just woke me up so she could get some sleep. But you know her, gotta make sure everyone else is okay first. After I got up, she managed to get a little bit of a nap in, mainly because the boys fell asleep watching tv. So I manned the phones and watched Sponge Bob with the kids. I've never been a big fan of chatting on the phone, but this weekend I had a really nice surprise when Mar called to check on the gang and I was lucky enough to answer the phone. Needless to say, I had a really enjoyable conversation with her, though I was bugging her to come up to Michigan to visit. It was nice to put a voice to the stories that MW has been telling me, and to the pictures that I got to see from the vacation. I think she thinks that we're all kidding when we tell her that she's welcome to come visit at any time. Which is just silly, because I know the Mafia clan wouldn't invite without being serious about it. She just has to remember that the couch is mine to sleep on! Any way, I just hope that I do get to meet her sometime soon.

I've been rambling for a while now, and my coffee cup is empty. That's not good. On that note, I'm out of here so that I can get a refill!

Not much going on

There hasn't been anything really exciting going on this week, so I haven't bothered to post anything. I have a second interview on Friday, so hopefully that will go well. I should probably look at working up a budget of some sort so that I know how much I absolutely must make in order to get my life in order. I keep putting it off, which is just silly. If I keep putting everything off, I'm never going to get anywhere. Now granted, I don't plan on becoming the next "Richest Woman of the World" or anything as grand as that, but I want to start stashing money away as soon as I start working. I'd like a nice bit of padding in the bank account for emergencies, and I'd like to start saving up a decent down payment for a house. There are a lot of things I'd really like to have, but those are my big two at this time. I'm planning to work towards getting all those pretty little gadgets and doodads, but I want the big two more than anything. Though I'll probably have to break down and buy a tv when/if I get my own place. I've become thoroughly addicted to Criss Angel's show on A&E. Though, in truth, I think I'm just obsessed with him. I mean, jeesh, what a sexy devil! Ah well, perhaps someday I'll get to see him perform live, and then just sweep him off of his feet with my...um, what can I sweep him off his feet with? Hrrrmmmm, I have to have some talent! Hehe, just kidding of course. Just another harmless obsession and a cute guy whose pictures I can drool over. Blech, it's time to do laundry, so I guess that's enough for today. Besides, who really wants to hear about my latest obsession?

Back from Vacation

It's really nice to be home. I had a great time in Florida visiting my family, but no matter how much fun you have somewhere, it always feels so good coming home. We really didn't do a whole lot of stuff, but it was just nice seeing everyone. My Dad made me lots and lots of his Bar-B-Que Chicken, so I'm even fatter then ever! I don't know what he does to his chicken, but it's sooooo much better then anyone else's that I've ever had. Must be because he's making it. My folks took me to a really lovely place called Bok Sanctuary that's in Lake Wales. It's a great big beautiful garden that has evolved into a bird sanctuary. There's an amazing tower that houses a 60 bell carillon that just sounds so pretty. It's just a really pretty area that is nice to go to to just sit and relax and enjoy the beauty that surrounds you. Luckily, my parents got me a birthday present early, so I got to take pictures of it! Yep, finally got my own digital camera. Though nothing as impressive as Mafia Wife's set up, I'm also not as good of a photographer as she is! No wonder she always makes me hold her diffuser...Well, I've got to finish unpacking, doing laundry, and making sure that there's food in the cupboards, so I'll leave you all with a picture of Bok Tower. If you're interested in more info about this lovely place (and even though I'd never heard of it, I'm really glad that I got to go) they have a website at www.boksanctuary.org. Enjoy!

OMG, MUST RANT!

This day is surreal. I've gone literally months without getting a single freakin' bite on my resume. So I finally gave in to my parents who have been begging me to come down for a visit. Guess what happened today? The temp agency I "signed up" with months ago calls me out of the blue with a job possibility! What the hell? I explained that I'll be out of town all of next week, and not back until late Monday, June 4, and she is trying to see what she can do. So, I might have to run in for an interview with her boss this afternoon (mind you, it's almost 2pm now). I have a couple of errands that I need to run, and now I don't know whether to wait or what. The last time she said she'd call me, I never heard anything back. Now she claims she'll call this afternoon, and I need to get out to the bank, the gas station, the book store (gotta have something to do on the plane, ya know!), and I was hoping to pop into a clothes store to look for a couple of tops. I need to be up and at the airport no later then 6 tomorrow morning, so I want to get to bed fairly early so that I manage to get some sleep. So, I have this feeling that this afternoon is going to be a big p.i.t.a. My guess is that I'm going to sit around waiting for this damned phone call, and she won't call. Then I'll have to scramble to get everything done, wasting the last few hours on errands instead of cuddling with the Kitty of Doom or the Ol' Man. I'm gonna have to rush through laundry so that I can get everything packed. Freakin' A, why must Murphy always throw his damned laws in my face? I honestly don't know whether to start laughing hysterically or to break down and cry in frustration. I'm tellin' ya, the gods must love messing with me.